Movie Trivia

Bart: Hey, Homer, how come Mom's going to the doctor? Lisa: Is anything wrong? Homer: No, everything's fine. Your mother uh just... broke her leg. Lisa: What!? Bart: I smell a bun in the oven... Lisa: Is Mom going to have another baby, Dad? Homer: [fierce internal struggle manifests itself in wiggling fingers] Maybe. Bart+Lisa: Whoa, awright! Way to go! [exchange high fives] Bart: You're a machine, Homer!

— Cheer and cheer alike, "I Married Marge"

Lisa: Did you hear that, Maggie? Another baby in the house. Bart: Oh, cool! We can race 'em!

— Marge might be pregnant, "I Married Marge"

Homer: Yeah, sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games. For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings. Lisa: Doesn't Mom do that stuff? Homer: Yeah, but I have to hear about it.

— The duties of fatherhood, "I Married Marge"

It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent decade known as the '80's. Those were idealistic days... The candidacy of John Anderson, the rise of Supertramp, it was an exciting time to be young...

— Homer tells a story, "I Married Marge"

Boss: Keep this up, and someday <you> will be the guy who hands out the putters! Homer: Yes, sir!

— A young Homer works at the Merrie Olde Fun Centre, "I Married Marge"

Lisa: It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV. Homer: Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television.

— "I Married Marge"

Patty: If you like being pawed by something fat and lazy, we could get a cat! Granma: It would leave less hair on the couch.

— Marge's sister and mother give some alternatives to Homer, "I Married Marge"

Marge: I can't imagine that job of yours is very stimulating. Homer: But it gives me time to think. Marge: Oh. What do you think about? Homer: Oh, girls. I mean, boys. I, I mean, you.

— Planning for the future, "I Married Marge"

Homer: Wow, what an ending! Who would have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father! Crowd: [waiting in line to see the movie] Oh, thank you, Mister Blow-the-picture-for-me. [etc]

— The infamous Ctrl-L, "I Married Marge"

Marge: [listening to `You Light Up My Life' on the radio] Our song. Homer: I bet the guy she was singing that about was real happy. Marge: Well, actually, she was singing about God. Homer: Oh, well, He's always happy. No, wait, He's always mad...

— Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God? "I Married Marge"

Homer: Someday, I'll buy you a <real> castle. Marge: You don't have to do that. Homer: Phew. Good.

— "I Married Marge"

Marge: Maybe it's the champale talking, but I think you're pretty sexy. Homer: Really? It <must> be the champale talking.

— "I Married Marge"

Dr.H: Well, uh, Miss Bouvier, I think we've found the reason why you've been throwing up in the morning. Congratulations. Homer: D'oh!

— The price of passion, "I Married Marge"

Dr.H: Perhaps this pamphlet will prove helpful. [hands over a pamphlet] Marge: [reads] So you've ruined your life.

— Marge learns she's pregnant, "I Married Marge"

Grampa: Son, you've got to marry that girl! Homer: Because it's the honorable thing to do? Grampa: [slams his hand on the table] No, because you'll never do any better. Ha ha, you lucky bum! The fish jumped right in the boat, and all you gotta do is whack her with the oar!

— Marge becomes pregnant, "I Married Marge"

Marge, there's something I want to ask you. But I'm afraid, because if you say no, it'll destroy me and make me a criminal.

— Homer tries to work up the nerve to propose to Marge, "I Married Marge"

Lisa: Dad, if the new baby is a girl, can we name her Ariel? Bart: Bzzzzt. I'm sorry, the baby's name will be Cool Mo-Dee Simpson. Lisa: Ariel! Ariel! Ariel! Bart: Cool Mo-Dee! Cool Mo-Dee! Cool Mo-Dee!

— The kids learn that Marge might be pregnant, "I Married Marge"

Marge: Homer, I've been thinking, if the baby's a boy, what do you think of the name Larry? Homer: Marge, we can't do that! All the kids will call him `Larry Fairy'. Marge: Well, how about Louie? Homer: They'll call him `Screwy Louie'. Marge: Bob? Homer: `Flob'. [?] Marge: Luke? Homer: `Puke'. Marge: Marcus? Homer: `Mucus'. Marge: What about Bart? Homer: Let's see... Bart, Cart, Dart, Ee-art... Nope, can't see any problem with that!

— Stopped in the nick of time, "I Married Marge"

Homer: [spots a nice ring] Wow. I'll take <that> ring. Clerk: Yes, sir, and how will you be paying for it? Homer: I don't know.

— Good things come to those who wait, "I Married Marge"

Basic ceremony's twenty bucks. Here's your license. Be sure to get this punched every time. The tenth wedding is on the house.

— Clerk at `Shotgun Pete's' quickie marriage emporium, "I Married Marge"

Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God and this casino to join... [points at Homer] Homer: Homer. Minister: ... and ... [points at Marge] Marge: Marge. Minister: ... in holy matrimony. Beautiful. [three minutes later] Do you, Marjorie Bouvier take Homer J. Simpson to be your lawful wedded husband? Marge: I do. Minister: Homer, same question, names reversed. Homer: I do. Minister: Then, by the power vested in my by the state gaming commission, I pronounce you man and wife. Here's ten dollars worth of chips. You may kiss the bride.

— How "I Married Marge"

Homer: Hey, why don't I apply at the nuclear power plant? I hear they pay pretty well. Marge: I don't know. I heard radiation can make you sterile. Homer: Pfft. <Now> you tell me.

— "I Married Marge"

Smithers: What would each of you say is your worst quality? Man 1: Well, I <am> a workaholic. Man 2: I push myself too hard. Homer: Well, it takes me a long time to learn anything, I'm kind of a goof-off... Smithers: Okay, that'll do. Homer: ... a little stuff starts disappearing from the workplace... Smithers: That's enough!

— Job interview, "I Married Marge"

Smithers: There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do? Homer: There's a problem with the reactor!? We're all going to die! Aaaaaaaugh! [runs out in panic]

— Homer's job interview, "I Married Marge"

Homer: [to his unborn son] Kid, I won't let you down. I swear to you, when you come out of there, the first thing you're gonna see is a man with a good job. Patty: Yeah, a doctor!

— "I Married Marge"

Homer: Good evening, Madam. You have been selected by the good people of Slash-Co to reap the benefits of their new Nev-R-Dull knife edge. Here, shake hands with the Slash-Co! [hands her the knife Woman: [grabs the wrong end] Aaaaaagh! Homer: [to himself] Handle first, handle first...

— Homer's job experience, "I Married Marge"

First, let me assure you that this is not one of those shady pyramid schemes you've been hearing about. No sir. Our model is the trapezoid!

— Shady seminar speaker at `Million$ for Nothing', "I Married Marge"

Fourth notice. Ninety days overdue. We break thumbs.

— Marge reads the mail from bill collectors, "I Married Marge"

Repossessing stuff is the hardest part of my job.

— Man from the Repo Depot, "I Married Marge"

Lisa: [crying] That is so sad. Homer: Oh, come on, honey. You know how it turns out. After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the responsible head of a household. Bart: [poking his head into the room] Hey, Homer, can we have a can of frosting for lunch? Homer: Okay.

— Edible complex, "I Married Marge"

Marge, I've got two-and-a-half words for you. Gulp. 'N'. Blow.

— Patty tells Marge where she can find Homer, "I Married Marge"

Homer: Yeah, whaddya want. Marge: My husband by my side. Homer: You want fries with that?

— Homer works at the Gulp-N-Blow, "I Married Marge"

Look at me. I'm a trainee. They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce.

— Homer works at the Gulp-N-Blow, "I Married Marge"

That's it... That's it... Come closer... [gobbles a power pellet] Muhahaha! Ironic isn't it. The hunter has become the hunted! Hahahaha!!

— Monty Burns plays Ms. Pac-Man, "I Married Marge"

Listen to me, Mister Big-Shot. If you're looking for the kind of employee that takes abuse, and never sticks up for himself, I'M YOUR MAN! You can treat me like dirt, and I'll <still> kiss your butt and call it ice cream! And if you don't like it, I can change!!

— Homer demands a job from Monty Burns, "I Married Marge"

I like your attitude. Feisty, yet spineless.

— Monty Burns hires Homer, "I Married Marge"

Sir, this man not only failed the aptitude test, he got trapped in a closet on his way out.

— Smithers voices his objections to the hiring of Homer Simpson, "I Married Marge"

Only in America could I get a job!

— Homer celebrates being hired to work at SNPP, "I Married Marge"

Burns: Who was that young hellcat, Smithers? Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. Burns: Simpson, eh? I'll remember that name...

— The beginning of a tradition, "I Married Marge"

Homer: Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician! Dr. Hibbert: Good God!

— A professional opinion, "I Married Marge"

Homer: And tomorrow, I'm going to buy your ring back, then I'm going house-hunting. Marge: Doesn't your job start tomorrow? Homer: Eh, somebody'll cover for me.

— Useful phrase #1, "I Married Marge"

Marge: [goes into labor] Oh! Homer: [rolls up his sleeves] Step aside. I'll deliver this baby. Dr. H: Uh, why don't you let me handle it, Homer? Homer: [confrontationally] Oh, a college boy, eh?

— The birth of Bart, "I Married Marge"

Marge: Homey, isn't he beautiful? Homer: Hey, as long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me.

— The birth of Bart, "I Married Marge"

Homer: You know, son, the day you were born, I received the greatest gift a man could have. As the years went by, your mother and I were blessed twice more. And not a day goes by that we don't thank God for all three of you. Marge: [comes home] Homer, I'm not pregnant! Homer: [gets up, the kids on his lap falling to the floor] Yeah! Whoa! Excellent, Marge! Marge: Yes! [exchanges a high five with Homer]

— "I Married Marge"

Lisa: Dad, can I have some money to buy Bart a birthday present? Homer: [entranced by a TV show of pretty girls dancing provocatively] Mon-ney. [hands over a huge wad of bills] Lisa: [riffles through it] Dad, this is a hundred and ten dollars! Homer: Oh, sorry. [gives her the entire wallet]

— Ask, and you shall receive, "Radio Bart"

`Funky-See Funky-Do' will be right back to lip-sync another of their hits, right after this...

— Announcer on TV music dance show, "Radio Bart"

Announcer: ... But order now. Supply is limited. Homer: Gasp! Limited!?!? [frantically dials the phone] Do you have any of those microphones left? Clerk: [standing in a warehouse filled to the roof with boxes of microphones] Yeah, a couple...

— A couple thousand, perhaps... "Radio Bart"

Bart: [in the barber shop, getting a shave] Digital audio tape, my butt! When <I> was a kid, we had compact disks, and <I> don't recall no one complaining. Barber: Damn right.

— Bart's free shave, "Radio Bart"

Hey, good to see you. Glad you could make it. Toby, have you lost weight?

— Bart, the perfect host at his birthday party, "Radio Bart"

Oh, there's only one can of beer left, and it's Bart's.

— Homer finds a `Property of Bart Simpson' sticker on a can of Duff, "Radio Bart"

People of earth, this is Bartron, commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless.

— The first broadcast of "Radio Bart"

Bart: [over the radio] Rod! Todd! This is God! Rod: How did you get on the radio? Bart: Whaddya mean, how did I get on the radio? I created the universe! Stupid kid. Todd+Rod: [fall to their knees and clasp their hands] Todd: Forgive my brother. We believe you. Bart: Talk is cheap. Perhaps I'll test a guy's faith. Walk through the wall! I will remove it for you. Rod: [walks into the wall] [thud] Bart: Ha ha ha. Todd+Rod: [return to their knees in prayer] Todd: What do you want from us? Bart: I got a job for you. Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen and leave them on the Simpsons' porch. Rod: But those cookies belong to our parents. Bart: Ugh! Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God? Todd: [quickly] Happy God. Bart: Then quit flapping your lip and make with the cookies! Todd+Rod: Yes, sir!

— How to win friends and influence people, "Radio Bart"

The circumference of the well is 34 inches, so, unfortunately, not one member of our city's police force is slender enough to rescue the boy.

— Kent Brockman's report, "Radio Bart"

Although we can't reach the boy, we <can> freeze him with liquid nitrogen, so that future generations can rescue him.

— Dr. John Fink's plan to rescue poor Timmy O'Toole, "Radio Bart"

Dear Lord, before we peel the foil back from Your bounty...

— Marge's TV dinner prayer, "Radio Bart"

Homer: That Timmy is a real hero! Lisa: How do you mean, Dad? Homer: Well, he fell down a well, and... he can't get out. Lisa: How does that make him a hero? Homer: Well, that's more than you did!

— "Radio Bart"

Channel 6's own Krusty the Klown has gathered members of the entertainment community, who normally steer clear of fashionable causes...

— Kent Brockman's news report, "Radio Bart"

I called my good friend Sting. He said, "Krusty, when do you need me?" I said, "Thursday." He said, "I'm busy Thursday." I said, "What about Friday?" He said, "Friday's worse than Thursday." Then <he> said, "How about Saturday?" I said, "Fine." True story!

— Krusty makes his music video, "Radio Bart"

Sting: There's a hole in my heart as deep as a well for that poor little boy, who's stuck halfway to Hell... Sideshow Mel: Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing... McBane: We go on TV and sing, sing, sing! All: And we're sending our love down the well... Krusty: All the way down! All: We're sending our love down the well... Krusty: Down that well!

— Krusty's music video, "Radio Bart"

Don't worry, son. Just 'cuz you're trapped in a hole doesn't mean you can't live a rich and full life.

— Homer's reassuring words, "Radio Bart"

Your boy picked a bad time to fall down a well. If he'd done it at the start of the fiscal year, no problemo.

— Chief Wiggum tells Marge it's all in the timing, "Radio Bart"

Kent: The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents. Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident! Marge: Homer! Homer: Uh... Could you edit that last part out? Kent: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast. Homer: D'oh!

— `Radio Bart"

And our <new> number one hit, "I Do Believe We're Naked", by Funky-See Funky-Do, replaces "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well", which plunges all the way down to number 97.

— Casey Kasem's countdown, "Radio Bart"

Ever since I called for the rescue of that Simpson lad, I have taken a lot of heat. So, I am flip-flopping! I say, let him stay down there!

— Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby, bending ever so gently, "Radio Bart"

Marge: Bart honey, I made you an extra-warm sweater you can wear while you're down in the well. [tosses it] Bart: Mom, it's too big. Homer: Don't worry, you'll grow into it.

— Bart is trapped in a well, "Radio Bart"

You know, I've done a lot of bad stuff through the years. I guess now I'm paying the price. But there's so many things I'll never get a chance to do. Smoke a cigarette, use a fake ID, shave a swear word in my hair... [sobs]

— Bart's remorse, "Radio Bart"

Marge: Sting, you look tired. Maybe you should take a rest. Sting: Not while one of my fans needs me. Marge: Actually, I don't know if I've ever heard Bart play one of your albums. Homer: Shhhh. Marge, he's a good digger!

— Digging Bart out of a well, "Radio Bart"

And now, with his picks for today's games, the man who's right 52\% of the time, Smooth Jimmy Apollo!

— Brent Gunsilman hosts a football pre-game show, "Lisa the Greek"

Moe's Tavern, where the peanut bowl is freshened hourly.

— Moe answers the phone, "Lisa the Greek"

At the end of thirteen seconds of play, it's New England seven, Denver nothing.

— The football report, "Lisa the Greek"

Look Dad, I made a modern studio apartment for my Malibu Stacy doll. [shows a neatly furnished shoebox] This is the kitchen, this is where she prints her weekly feminist newsletter...

— Lisa's latest triumph, "Lisa the Greek"

Lisa: Why isn't Dad ever interested in anything I do? Marge: Well, um, do you ever take an interest in anything <he> does? Lisa: No. ... Well, we used to have burping contests, but I outgrew it.

— "Lisa the Greek"

Well, if you want to get closer to him, then maybe <you> should bridge the gap. I do it all the time. I pretend I'm interested in looking at power tools, going to those silly car-chase movies, and ... some things I'll tell you about when you're older.

— Marge's advice to Lisa, "Lisa the Greek"

Smooth Jimmy Apollo: [explaining his poor prediction] Well, folks, when you're right 52\% of the time, you're wrong 48\% of the time. Homer: Why didn't you say that before!!

— Watching a TV football post-game show, "Lisa the Greek"

TV: So call me now! $5 for the first minute, $2 for each additional minute! Homer: [dials the number] Voice: You... have reached... the Coach's... Hot-... Homer: Line. Voice: Line. Homer: Yeah, lay it on me, Coach. Voice: In the game... of... Mi... am... i... Homer: Mm hm. Voice: Versus Cin... Homer: Cincinnati. Voice: cin... Homer: Cincinnati. Voice: nat... Homer: Cincinnati. Voice: i... Homer: Come on, come on, don't you realize this is costing me money!

— Dial 1-909-WIN-BIGG for football picks, "Lisa the Greek"

Mom, I'm tired. I want to go home. Can't I just lie down for a minute?

— Bart whines about being forced to shop for clothes, "Lisa the Greek"

Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the people who wear them get beaten up. Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.

— More words of wisdom from Marge, "Lisa the Greek"

What could be more exciting that the savage ballet that is pro football?

— Lisa, "Lisa the Greek"

Homer: You like ice cream, don't you? Lisa: Uh huh. Homer: And don't you like ice cream better when it's covered with hot fudge? And mounds of whipped cream? [getting carried away] And chopped nuts? And, ooh, those crumbled-up cookie things they mash up? Mmm... Crumbled-up cookie things...

— Homer's train of thought gets derailed yet again, "Lisa the Greek"

Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible. Lisa: Really? Where? Homer: Uh... Somewhere in the back.

— "Lisa the Greek"

Lisa: Can I watch football with you again next Sunday? Homer: Sure! You'll find it gets rid of the unpleasant aftertaste of church.

— Sundays of thunder? "Lisa the Greek"

Football player: [being interviewed] This team is fired up. We came here to play! Homer: Aw right! [picks up the phone to place his bet] Lisa: [scoffing] He'll lose. Homer: What? Didn't you hear what he said? Lisa: Look at the fear in his eyes, listen to the quiver in his voice. [poetically] He's a little boy lost in a game of men.

— "Lisa the Greek"

Homer: You think we should bet against them? Lisa: I'd bet my entire college fund on it. Homer: You got it. [to phone] Moe, twenty-three dollars on New York!

— "Lisa the Greek"

Homer: [tossing Lisa in the air in celebration] Yaay! Lisa: Yaay! Homer: [continues tossing] Lisa: Whoa! Homer: [continues tossing] Lisa: Dad, I hate to break the mood, but I'm getting nauseous.

— "Lisa the Greek"

Homer: Who do you like in the afternoon games? Lisa: Well, I like the 49ers because they're pure of heart, Seattle because they've got something to prove, and the Raiders because they always cheat. [later] Brent: And on an extreeeeeemely suspicious play, the Raiders win!

— "Lisa the Greek"

[Under the banner "The Library / The Hip Place To Be" sits a lone reader] Lisa: Hey, the new sign's really working! Mrs. Norton: Oh, it's been a madhouse, Lisa!

— Give a hoot, "Lisa the Greek"

[Lisa flips through the card catalog] Let's see... Football... Football... `Homoeroticism in'... `Oddball Canadian rules'... `Phyllis George and'...

— Let your fingers do the walking, "Lisa the Greek"

Homer: Lisa, you picked the winner every time. You must have some kind of special gift! Lisa: Come on, Dad. It doesn't take a genius to realize that Houston's failed to cover their last ten outings on away turf the week after scoring more than three touchdowns in a conference game. Homer: Oh, my little girls says the cutest things.

— "Lisa the Greek"

Gasp! Look at these prices! We could finally get rid of those termites for the cost of this meal!

— Marge reads the menu for The Gilded Truffle, "Lisa the Greek"

Waiter: Hello, I'm Marco, I'll be your waiter. Homer: Hello, I'm Homer, I'll be your customer. [Homer, Bart, and Lisa chuckle] Waiter: Never heard that one before...

— At The Gilded Truffle, "Lisa the Greek"

Waiter: Would you care to select the wine? Bart: I'll do the honors. [takes the wine list, reads it] No, no, no, no! My God! What passes for a wine list these days? Marco, just bring us your freshest bottle of wine, chop-chop.

— At The Gilded Truffle, "Lisa the Greek"

Homer: Oh, violin guy! [strolling violinist approaches] [tucks some money in the violinist's pocket] [to Lisa] What's your favorite song? Lisa: The Broken Neck Blues. Homer: [to violinist] Play on.

— At The Gilded Truffle, "Lisa the Greek"

Brent: It is the playoffs. It's five below, and there's one loyal fan wearing nothing but a G-string, and the team colors painted on his body! [camera shows the fan in question, shivering, teeth chattering] Johnny: He doesn't look too happy! Brent: Heh heh. Well, maybe the paint has shut off his pores, and he's slowly suffocating. Still, <that> is a <real> fan.

— Football pre-game show, "Lisa the Greek"

Homer: Well, Lisa, it's daddy-daughter day, and Daddy needs daughter's picks. Lisa: Dad, I'm making the Chiefs my five-star silver bullet special. And with your blessing, I'd like to tie it to the Cowboys plus five at Chicago.

Barney: Hey, Homer, you wanna go bowling next Sunday? Homer: Barney, are you nuts? That's the Super Bowl! How about the Sunday after that? Barney: Well, my Ma's coming in from Norway, but uh, what the hell. [belch]

— "Lisa the Greek"

Ralph: ... and when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life. Mrs. Hoover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.

— Reading essays in front of the class, "Lisa the Greek"

The happiest day of my life was three Sundays ago. I was sitting on my daddy's knee when the Saints, who were four-and-a-half point favorites, but only up by three, kicked a meaningless field goal at the last second to cover the spread.

— Lisa's essay, The Happiest Day of My Life, "Lisa the Greek"

Lisa: Oh, Dad! You must have bought me every Malibu Stacy accessory there is! Homer: Not quite. They were out of Malibu Stacy lunar rovers.

— Homer's surprise gift, "Lisa the Greek"

Ooh, perfume! Meryl Streep's Versatility!

— Marge's gift from Homer, "Lisa the Greek"

Homer: Boy, I know you're going to like your present. Bart: [it's a hand-held gizmo with three buttons] [Bart presses each button a few times] Toy: Shut up! Shut up! Kiss my butt! Shut up! Go to hell! Go to hell! Bart: Dad, I promise you, I will <never> get tired of this.

— "Lisa the Greek"

Marge: Homer, those were very thoughtful presents, but you have to tell me where you got the money from. Homer: All right, Marge, I'll tell you, but first you have to promise you will not get mad. Marge: I promise I <will> get mad, because I always do when you make me promise I won't. Homer: All right, if you must know. Lisa and I have been gambling on pro football. Marge: Homer!! Homer: You promised you wouldn't get mad!

— "Lisa the Greek"

Homer: Aren't parents supposed to encourage their kids whenever they show talent? Marge: But gambling is illegal! Homer: Oh, only in 48 states. Besides, it's a victimless crime. The only victim is Moe! Heh heh heh.

— Homer has been using Lisa to help him make bets on football, "Lisa the Greek"

You know, Dad, we've been watching a lot of TV lately. Maybe the Sunday after the Super Bowl we could hike up to the top of Mount Springfield. The fires in the tire yards really make for some beautiful sunsets!

— Lisa, "Lisa the Greek"

Adult Lisa: My third husband bought me this. [takes off her ring] Gimme some [casino] chips for it! Clerk: Are you sure, ma'am? Adult Lisa: Don't tell me what to do, sonny. I've been gambling since I was eight, and I've been hocking jewelry since I was twelve! Now gimme some chips!

— Lisa's nightmare, "Lisa the Greek"

Look around you, Malibu Stacy. All this was bought with dirty money. Your penthouse, your Alfa Romeo, your collagen injection clinic...

— Lisa talks to her doll, "Lisa the Greek"

Lisa: Look, Dad. I'll tell you who's going to win the Super Bowl if you want me to, but it'll just validate my theory that you cared more about winning money than you did about me. Homer: Okay.

— "Lisa the Greek"

Brent: We're live from the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome, and Super Bowl XXVI. Today, we're going to be seen by people in one hundred and fifty countries, all over the world! [shot of some Pacific island natives watching a TV set] Including our newest affiliate, W Gimel Aleph Nun in Tel Aviv! [cut to Caesar and Ugoland (the evil French winemakers) watching the show] Caesar: Stupid! Ugoland: [changes the channel with the remote] TV: [Jerry Lewis] Wauugh! [crash] Sorry, Mrs. [mumble] Ugoland: [smacks his lips] Formidable!

— Fifty million Frenchmen might be wrong, "Lisa the Greek"

Moe: [answering the phone] Moe's Tavern, home of the Super Sunday Brunch Spectacular! Barney: [surveying the buffet table] Whoa! Baloney! Bread! Moe: [jotting in his notebook] I've got you down for forty bucks. Good luck, Your Eminence.

— Super Bowl Sunday, "Lisa the Greek"

I had the greatest gift of all. A little girl who could pick football.

— Homer, "Lisa the Greek"

Well, sir, we're two hours and 45 minutes into the pre-game show...

— Brent Gunsilman hosts the Super Bowl pre-game show, "Lisa the Greek"

Brent: We've got ourselvs a special guest, actor Troy McClure, whose new sitcom is premiering tonight, coincidentally enough, right after the game! Troy: Thanks, Brent. My new show is called `Handle with Care'. I play Jack Handle, a retired cop who shares an apartment with a retired criminal. We're the original Odd Couple! Brent: What made you want to do a situation comedy? Troy: Well, I fell in love with the script, Brent. And my recent trouble with the IRS sealed the deal!

— Brent Gunsilman hosts the Super Bowl pre-game show, "Lisa the Greek"

Homer: Buffalo is going to win. Lisa hates me. [sobs] Man: Whatcha got riding on this game? Homer: My daughter. Man: [whistles] What a gambler!

— Watching the Super Bowl, "Lisa the Greek"

This sucks. Come on, snipers, where are you!

— Bart watches a feeble football halftime show, "Lisa the Greek"

It's a touchdown for halfback Dan Beer-dorf! Duff Dry has won the Duff Bowl!

— "Lisa the Greek"

Barney: Hey Homer, didn't you say that if Duff Dry wins [the Duff Bowl], your daughter loves you? Homer: Not Duff Dry. Washington! Barney: Okay, okay. They're <both> great teams.

— "Lisa the Greek"

Rev. Lovejoy: [surveys his congregation, one man and two old ladies] Well, I'm glad <some> people could resist the lures of the big game. Man: Oh, my God! I forgot the game! [rushes out]

— Super Bowl Sunday, "Lisa the Greek"

So, with three ticks left on the clock, it all comes down to this one play. If Washington scores here, happy fans will be looting and turning over cars in nation's capital tonight!

— The closing seconds of the Super Bowl, "Lisa the Greek"

Money comes and money goes, but what I have with my daughter can go on for eight more years!

— Homer, "Lisa the Greek"

Homer: [scarfing down donuts] Lenny: Hey, Homer, slow down. You're going to choke or something. Homer: Don't tell me how to eat donuts! [starts choking] Karl: [matter-of-factly] Hey, Homer's choking again. Lenny: Isn't there a first-aid chart around here somewhere? Karl: Somebody scare him. Charlie: That's for the hiccups!

— Remain calm, dough-nut panic, "Homer at the Bat"

Lenny: Homer, last year, we were 2 and 28. Homer: Look, I know it wasn't our best season... Lenny: Actually, it was.

— Room for improvement, "Homer at the Bat"

Homer: Come here, boy, I want to show you something. Bart: What's that, a homemade bat? Homer: It's something very special. A homemade bat.

— A Homer-made bat, "Homer at the Bat"

It all started last year during a terrible thunderstorm, when I locked myself out of the house. Shelving myself with a large piece of sheet metal, I ran for cover under the tallest tree I could find!

— Homer Simpson, Safety Inspector, "Homer at the Bat"

Homer: [working to build a baseball bat in the garage] Marge: Homey, come to bed. [scene change: Marge is in bed, as wood shavings flick onto her from Homer's woodwork in bed] Homer, go back to the garage.

— Yessss, master, "Homer at the Bat"

Bart: [sees Homer's homemade bat] Wow! How many home runs you gonna hit with that? Homer: Let's see. We play thirty games. Ten at-bats a game. Mmm... Three thousand.

— Back-of-the-envelope calculations, "Homer at the Bat"

Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning. Chief Wiggum: [in baseball uniform] Hey, we know how to play softball.

— The canonical softball drinking game, "Homer at the Bat"

Umpire: Play ball! Chief Wiggum: [steps to the plate] Police radio: Attention all units! Attention all units! Armored car being robbed at 59th and... Chief Wiggum: Turn off that damn radio!

— Please arrange to have your car robbed only during normal business hours, "Homer at the Bat"

And the man wants to hit the ball, too. [crack!] And he does. And there he goes, off in that direction. And everyone is happy.

— Marge Simpson does the play-by-play, "Homer at the Bat"

Lisa: Wow, Dad! Bart: Homer, can I get you a beer? Lisa: No, <I> want to get him a beer. Homer: Kids, kids, kids! You can <each> get me a beer.

— Beer and beer alike, "Homer at the Bat"

Ari: Would you care to bet a million dollars on that? Burns: Oh, if we're going to bet, why don't we make it interesting! Ari: What, a million dollars isn't interesting to you? Burns: Oh, did you say a million? I'm, I'm sorry, my mind was elsewhere. I thought you would start with a small amount, then we would bait each other, and, well, you know how it goes. Yes, certainly, a million would be fine. [handshake]

— But gambling is illegal in 48 states... "Homer at the Bat"

Burns: Smithers, I've been thinking. Is it wrong to cheat to win a million-dollar bet? Smithers: Yes, sir. Burns: Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if <I> cheat to win a million-dollar bet? Smithers: No, sir. Who would you like killed?

— Burns remembers to phrase it as an ethical question, "Homer at the Bat"

Smithers: [whispers in Jose Canseco's ear] Jose: I get $50,000 to play one game? Smithers: That's right, Mr. Canseco. Jose: Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey. It sounds like fun.

— For love of money, "Homer at the Bat"

Smithers: [in the woods, a bullet grazes his shoulder] Hunter: Hey, sorry. I thought you were a deer. Smithers: Heh heh, that's okay. Happens all the time.

— "Homer at the Bat"

Homer: You're Darryl Strawberry. Darryl: Yes? Homer: You play right field. Darryl: Yes? Homer: I play right field, too. Darryl: So? Homer: Well, are you better than me? Darryl: Well, I never met you... but... Yes.

— Any questions? "Homer at the Bat"

Marge: What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry character is better than you? Homer: Marge, forget it. He's bigger than me, faster than me, stronger than me, and he already has more friends around the plant than I do. Bart: You make me sick, Homer. You're the one who told me I could do anything if I just put my mind to it! Homer: Well, now that you're a little bit older, I can tell you that's a crock! No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you. Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.

— Lesson for the day, "Homer at the Bat"

Smithers: What are you going to do with the million dollars, sir? Burns: Oh, I dunno. Throw it on the pile, I suppose.

— Burns has bet $1 million on the softball team, "Homer at the Bat"

Hynpotist: You are all very good players... Team: [entranced] We are all very good players... Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville... Team: We will beat Shelbyville... Hypnotist: You will give one hundred and ten percent... Team: That's impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give...

— You own a mansion and a yacht... "Homer at the Bat"

Mike Scioscia: [pushing a wheelbarrow of glowing green goop] Karl: [pulls up beside him with his own wheelbarrow of glowing green goop] Hey, Scioscia. I don't get it. You're a ringer, but you're here every night in the core, busting your butt hauling radioactive waste. Mike Scioscia: Well, Karl, it's such a relief from the pressures of playing big-league ball. I mean, there, you make any kind of mistake, and boom, the press is all over you. [accidentally spills his goop] Uh oh... Karl: Ah, don't worry about it. Mike Scioscia: Oh man, is this ever sweet...

— "Homer at the Bat"

Now, before I post the starting line-up, I want to assure those of you whose names are not on the list... that I'm very disappointed in you.

— Monty Burns, softball team manager, "Homer at the Bat"

Homer: Please please please, I want to make the team. [catches Roger Clemens] Clemens, did I make the team? Roger: You sure did! Homer: I did! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! In your face, Strawberry! Roger: Wait a minute, are you Ken Griffey, Jr.? Homer: No. Roger: Sorry. Didn't mean to get your hopes up.

— "Homer at the Bat"

Dr. Hibbert: Uh, Mike, try to lift your arm. Mike Scioscia: Can't... lift... arm... or... speak... at... normal... rate...

— "Homer at the Bat"

Homer: Oh, one thing I'm good at and I can't do it any more. Marge: Homey, you're good at lots of things. Homer: Like what? Marge: Like snuggling? [snuggles up to him] Homer: Yeah. but none of my friends can watch me.

— It's an indoor sport, "Homer at the Bat"

Barney: And I say, England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston! Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!! Barney: Lord Palmerston!!! Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!!!! [pokes Barney] Barney: Okay, you asked for it, bud! [punches him out] Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barney! [scoffing] Pitt the Elder... Barney: Lord Palmerston!!!! [punches Moe]

— "Homer at the Bat"

Homer: Where do you think you're going? Lisa: To the game. Homer: No no no. I don't want you to see me sit on my worthless butt. Bart: We've seen it, Dad.

— "Homer at the Bat"

BART (Brat'us Don'thaveacow'us) HOMER (Homo Neanderthal'us)

— The Simpsons meet the Road Runner, "Homer Alone"

I am <not> cleaning that! ... Oh, who am I kidding.

— Marge cleans up another mess, "Homer Alone"

When you grow up, you can suck your pacifier all you want.

— Marge tries to reason with Maggie, "Homer Alone"

Marge: [making lunch] Extra mustard for Bart, sliced diagonally, not lengthwise. Light mayo for Lisa, cut off the crust. Double baloney for Homer... Lisa: [simultaneously] Mom, can you sign this permission slip for my Bart: [simultaneously] Mom, have you seen my lucky red cap? Mom, Lisa: [simultaneously] field trip? Mom, I <hate> those pimentos, they Bart: [simultaneously] where's my lucky red cap? Mom, aren't you listening Lisa: [simultaneously] make me gag. Bart: [simultaneously] to me? I told... Homer: [comes in] Lisa: [simultaneously] Mom, please sign the permission slip. [etc] Bart: [simultaneously] Mom, I'm talking to you. Hello? Hello! I'm going to Homer: [simultaneously] Marge, I split my pants again. Ooooh! Can I have two Lisa: [simultaneously] [etc] without lunch. Bart: [simultaneously] be crushed today if I don't wear my lucky red Homer: [simultaneously] sandwiches today? Make them baloney sandwiches, too, Lisa: [simultaneously] Mommm! I can't eat those pimentos... Bart: [simultaneously] cap! Mommmm! Wheeeere's my caaaaap! Homer: [simultaneously] can I have two slices of baloney and... Marge: ONE AT A TIME! ONE AT A TIME! [pause] Lisa: [simultaneously] So when you make the sandwich, no pimentos <please!> Bart: [simultaneously] [etc] Homer: [simultaneously] Double baloney! Double baloney! Don't forget to Lisa: [simultaneously] Because you know how much they... Bart: [simultaneously] Mommm! Where's my lucky red cap! Homer: [simultaneously] make it <double> baloney because...

— "Homer Alone"

Lisa: Mom, Bart's making faces at me. Bart: It's a nervous twitch, and I'm a little sensitive about it, if you don't mind.

— "Homer Alone"

This is Arnie Pie with Arnie in the Sky. We've got big problems on the Springfield Memorial Bridge, people. Traffic going waaaay back in both directions. And look out at the corner of 14th and Elm, because I just dropped my bagel.

— Helicopter traffic report, "Homer Alone"

Eddie: She's locked in the car and refuses to move. Wiggum: Did you flash your lights? Eddie: Yes. Wiggum: [thinks] Well, <I'm> fresh out of ideas.

— "Homer Alone"

Wiggum: Try to talk her out of there. [hands Homer a megaphone] But don't put your lips on it or anything.

— "Homer Alone"

Homer: [through a megaphone] Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Hello? Marge: Homer, is that you? Homer: [aside] What should I say? Wiggum: Well, how about, "Yes, it's me." Homer: [through a megaphone] Yes, it's me.

— I own a mansion and a yacht, "Homer Alone"

I hereby declare today to be Marge Simpson Day in the city of Springfield!

— Mayor Quimby goes after the chick vote, "Homer Alone"

Swim, play tennis, or just sit and stare at the walls.

— Advertisement for Rancho Relaxo, "Homer Alone"

Marge: I need to unwind. Homer: I knw you do, Marge, but come on, you know what our vacations are like. Those three monsters in the back seat. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And let's face it, I'm no day at the beach either. "Marge, can I have another sandwich? Marge, can I have another sandwich?"

— In the comfort of your own home, "Homer Alone"

For your information, I can take care of my... [Maggie loses her grip and falls] Auugh! [picks up Maggie] See? Got her on the first bounce.

— A bouncing baby girl, "Homer Alone"

This is KOMA, WKOMA, restful easy listening. Coming up next, a super set of songs about clouds...

— "Homer Alone"

Selma: Kids, you haven't touched your tongue sandwiches. You need something to drink? Patty: We've got clamato, Mr. Pibb and soy milk.

— "Homer Alone"

Lisa: [yawns] I think I'll just hit the hay. Selma: It's 12:30 in the afternoon! Lisa: [quietly] I'm aware of the time.

— Staying with Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma, "Homer Alone"

Bart: I'm scared, Lisa. Lisa: You think <you> know fear? Well, <I've> seen 'em naked! Bart: Waaaaauuuugh!

— Staying with Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma, "Homer Alone"

I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such movies as "Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die" and "Gladys the Groovy Mule"!

— "Homer Alone"

Troy: Our tour starts in your very own room, where Relaxo-Vision offers you the latest Hollywood hits. And after midnight, the finest R-rated movies Europe has to offer! [smacks his lips] Today's selections are... Some other announcer: Thelma and Louise, The Happy Little Elves Meet Fuzzy Snuggleduck, and The Erotic Awakening of S.

— "Homer Alone"

Homer: Come on, Maggie. Nummy-nummy-num! Maggie: [refuses to eat her baby food] Homer: Aaaaahhh... [eats some to demonstrate] Mmm... [digging in] Mmm...! [tries another jar] Mmm... strained peas.

— "Homer Alone"

Marge, it's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of that Mexican med school.

— Gregory, the masseuse at Rancho Relaxo, "Homer Alone"

[picks up Maggie] Whoa! Someone smells stinky! [sniffs himself] Oh, it's me.

— Barney, bastion of cleanliness, "Homer Alone"

[sung to Brahms' Lullaby] Go to sleep... And good night... La-la la la la la la... Dee-dee-dee... Dee-dee-dee... May your Christmas Days be bright!

— Homer sings Maggie to sleep, "Homer Alone"

Hairdresser: So, what's the verdict? Woman: [realizes she's been given a Marge Simpson hairdo] Oh, dear God! I can't even put a bag over my head! Hairdresser: Yes you can.

— "Homer Alone"

As I said to Dolores Montenergo in "Calling All Quakers"... "Have it <your> way, Baby!"

— Troy McClure, "Homer Alone"

Marge, Maggie was very young. It's not like we got so attached to her...

— Homer practices his excuse for losing Maggie, "Homer Alone"

Wiggum: You the man who reported the lost baby? Homer: Yes. Wiggum: Can you describe her? Homer: Uh, she's small... She's a girl... Wiggum: Bingo! [produces Maggie]

— "Homer Alone"

Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you never even imagined. Others may find out that life isn't fair... [turning bitter] in spite of your Masters from Bryn Mawr, you might end up a glorified babysitter to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth-graders while your husband runs naked on a beach with your marriage counselor!! [stares from the students] Ahem.

— Ms. Krabappel administers the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT), "Separate Vocations"

First question. If I could be any animal, I would be (a) a carpenter ant, (b) a nurse shark, or (c) a lawyer bird.

— Ms. Krabappel administers the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT), "Separate Vocations"

Question sixty. I prefer the smell of (a) gasoline, (b) French fries, or (c) bank customers.

— Miss Hoover administers the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT), "Separate Vocations"

Janey: Well, that was a waste of time. Lisa: Janey, school is <never> a waste of time. Ms.H: Since we have fifteen minute until recess, please put down your pencils and stare at the front of the room.

— Time well-spent, "Separate Vocations"

Bart: Police officer!? Well I'll be jiggered! Dr.J: Heh heh heh. If you'd like to learn more, I could arrange for you to ride along in a police car for a night. Bart: Hey, I don't need you to get me in the back of a police car.

— Bart reads his scientifically-selected career, "Separate Vocations"

Homer: So what are <you> going to be, boy? Bart: Policeman. Homer: [gags on his food]

— Bart's scientifically-selected career, "Separate Vocations"

Marge: You know, your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while, but they said he was too heavy. Homer: No, the Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.

— "Separate Vocations"

Lisa: Well, <I'm> going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided. Marge: Honey, if that's what you want, we'll do anything we can to help.

— Is she accepting applications for torrid love affairs? "Separate Vocations"

I'll be frank with you Lisa, and when I say frank, I mean, you know, devastating.

— Instructor at music school, "Separate Vocations"

Bart: Wow! Can I see your club? Cop: It's called a baton, son. Bart: Oh. What's it for? Cop: We club people with it.

— Just conduct yourself properly and nobody gets hurt, "Separate Vocations"

Bart: So, you guys like being cops? Cop: Oh, it's great. You get to run red lights, park wherever you please, hot and cold running chicks...

— The perquisites of power, "Separate Vocations"

Tonight, His Honor is, heh, polling the electorate.

— Eddie explains Mayor Quimby's presence at a motel, "Separate Vocations"

Bart: Do you need straight A's to be a cop? The Two Cops: [laugh uproariously]

— Just checking, "Separate Vocations"

Ooh, they used nylon rope this time. It feels so smooth against my skin. Almost sensuous...

— Apu, tied up after being robbed at gunpoint, "Separate Vocations"

Wiggum: Looks like you just bought yourself a lottery ticket. To jail! Eddie: He's unconscious, sir. Wiggum: Ah, they can still hear things.

— Subliminal messages, "Separate Vocations"

I saw some awful things in Nam, but you really have to wonder at the mentality that would desecrate a helpless puma!

— Principal Skinner, "Separate Vocations"

Skinner: Bart Simpson on the side of law and order? Has the world gone topsy-turvey? Bart: That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority... [rubs his hands] And I liked it!

— "Separate Vocations"

Look, let's can the euphemisms. No more bullspit.

— Principal Skinner, "Separate Vocations"

Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term. But Lisa's are way down. Homer: Oh... We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't <both> our kids be good? Marge: We have <three> kids, Homer. Homer: Maaarge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!

— "Separate Vocations"

The school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze. And I have you to thank.

— Principal Skinner to Hall Monitor Bart Simpson, "Separate Vocations"

Bart: Seymour, this is an absence slip signed by Nelson's mother. And this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the identical elongated loops on the `d's. Skinner: Forgery! So he <didn't> have leprosy!

— The alibi falls apart, "Separate Vocations"

Teacher: This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again! Skinner: Oh, things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glascock.

— I'm not touching this one, "Separate Vocations"

Ms.H: Lisa, what nineteenth-century figure was named `Old Hickory'? Lisa: I don't know. You? [snickers from the class] Ms.H: Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment, you'd know the answer is... [flips to answer key] The Battle of New Orleans. I mean... Andrew Jackson. Lisa: Well, you're earning <your> eighteen grand a year. [more snickers]

— "Separate Vocations"

Skinner: Um, ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable has happened. Some sick, twisted individual has stolen every teacher's edition in this school. Teacher: What'll we do!? Ms. K: Declare a snow day! Teacher: Does anyone know the multiplication table? Skinner: No, please, don't panic. [peers out the window] They can smell fear.

— Make no sudden movements, "Separate Vocations"

Ms. K: Children, I know this is highly irregular, but for the rest of the uh day, Martin will be teaching this class. Martin: I will? But I wouldn't know where to begin. Ms. K: Just do it, Braniac!

— Somebody stole all the teachers' editions of the school textbooks, "Separate Vocations"

Bart: Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker. Skinner: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court. Bart: Pfffffft. Supreme Court. What have <they> done for us lately? Skinner: Let's move.

— Annoyed any Republicans today? "Separate Vocations"

Thank goodness I still live in a world of telephones, car batteries, handguns [*bang*!] and many things made of zinc.

— Jimmy, a character in one of those stupid educational films, "Bart the Lover"

If anyone wants to learn more about zinc, they're welcome to stay. ... We can talk about anything. ... I'll do your homework for ya? ...

— Ms. Krabappel, alone again, "Bart the Lover"

Mrs. Krabappel, I haven't seen you since we doubled our prices.

— Apu, "Bart the Lover"

Those guys must be millionaires!

— Bart is awed by a yo-yo demonstration, "Bart the Lover"