Movie Trivia

Marge: Hello, Mr. Hutz. Hutz: I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private! You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality. Marge: I just wanted to say "hello". Hutz: Oh. Hello. [laughs nervously] [Marge walks off; Hutz torches the contents of the dumpster]

— The truth _was_ out there, "The Springfield Connection"

Apu: So, you are the new cop on the beat. [sighing] OK, I know the drill: what will it be? $100? $200? Marge: $200. [realizing] No, no! I mean, nothing! I don't take bribes. Apu: Yes, of course you don't. I will just leave this money on the table with my unseeing back to the money on the table. [he turns around] Marge: Apu, no. [she turns around] [Mr. Burns walks by, snatches the money] Together: [seeing the money gone] That's better!

— Stash those "Gigantic Asses" magazines away, "The Springfield Connection"

Marge: {I got a report on a domestic disturbance at this address.} Skinner: {Yes, indeed there is. There's an inflatable bath pillow that mother and I both enjoy. She claimed it was her day to use it, I maintained she was mistaken, we quarreled. Later, as I prepared to bathe, I noticed to my horror that _someone_ had slashed the pillow.} Marge: {Uh huh. Who called the police?} Skinner+Mom: {We both did.} Marge: {Look, why don't you two settle down? I'm sure you can get another pillow.} Skinner: {Well, I could send it back to Taiwan for repair, but why should I have to? I've done nothing wrong. And I _don't_ give permission for my face to be on TV: I want it blurred! [his face becomes blurred]}

— "Cops" comes to Springfield, "The Springfield Connection"

Lisa: So Mom, what are you going to do with your day off? Marge: I just want to relax and forget that I'm part of that thin blue line which stands between civilization and chaos. [sighs] [Bart walks in with his skateboard] Bart, it's illegal for you to operate that class nine vehicle without pads and a helmet. Bart: But Mom -- Marge: It's for your own safety. [later, Bart gets beat up by Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney] Kearney: Take that, Safety Boy! Jimbo: This padding's so easy on the knuckles, I could punch all day!

— Hey there, Safety Boy, "The Springfield Connection"

Maude: I just hope they have Us magazine in heaven. Mrs. S: He said it was his day to use the tub pillow. Edna: I can't go to the library anymore, everybody stinks! [they talk amongst themselves; Marge walks in] Marge: Don't stop talking on account of me. I may be a cop, but I'm still your friend. [everyone looks at her] So how are you, Mrs. Krabappel? Edna: Law-abiding. I'm done! [she runs out] Marge: Moe! I've never seen you here before. Moe: [awkward] Well, these days my roots don't stay so chestnut on their own, Officer Simpson. Marge: You don't have to call me "Officer", I'm not on duty here. [a barber lowers a chair; it sounds like a shot] [Marge rolls and points her gun at everyone] Marge: Oh, heh. Looks nice, it's, er, it's a good length for you.

— Small talk, "The Springfield Connection"

Lisa: Mom's police tape isn't a toy, Dad. Homer: Shush, dear. You'll wreck Daddy's fun. Ned: [walking up, singing] Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in the -- oh my Lord. Something horrible has happened! Homer: [snickers, then laughs] Fooled you, Flanders! Made you think your family was dead. [laughs] Don't you get it? Ned: [strained] Heh. Heh heh... Homer: They're not, though. Ned: Oh? Homer: [laughs] But you thought they were! Ned: Yeah. Homer: That's why it was so funny. [laughs] Ned: Heh heh, that's a good one...

— Give that man the $100,000, "The Springfield Connection"

Marge: And that's the drunk tank -- Barney: [groaning] Oh -- Marge: -- and this is Mommy's desk. Lisa: Mom, I know your intentions are good but aren't the police the protective force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons? Marge: [pauses] Look Lisa, it's McGriff, the Crime Dog! [uses a hand puppet] Hey, Lisa, help me bite crime, ruff, ruff!

— "Bite Back" merchandise, "The Springfield Connection"

Lenny: Hey, great news, guys: I picked up a nudie deck for our game. Homer: [grabs it] "The Girls of the Internet"...ooh, I'd go on-line with them any day! [everyone clamors] Moe: Hey, hey: we've offended Herman. Herman: No, no, I'm just going out for some fresh air. Moe: Jeez, that guy sure likes his fresh air. None of that for me! [puffs on a huge cigar, coughs] Oh, yeah, yeah!

— The Stale Air Fund, "The Springfield Connection"

Carl: Hey, Homer, are you sure it's OK to smoke Cuban cigars and gamble here now that your wife's a cop? Homer: Are you kidding? Being a cop husband is one mighty sweet deal! This police radio entertains me with other people's miseries, we get a free funeral for Marge (God forbid), and I can run background checks on whomever I want! [to Moe] -- Mohammar. Moe: Homer, please! Please, ixnay on the ohammar-May. Homer: [holding a radar gun] Hey, hurry it up with the cards, Lenny: I've got you clocked at two miles per hour. Lenny: Come on, put that away: those radar guns give you cancer. Homer: All the more reason for you to hurry up. Hey, what could be going a hundred miles per -- ow! [Lenny slugs him]

— Homer's love for technology, "The Springfield Connection"

Marge: [gasps] Illegal gambling in my house? Moe: _Your_ house? _Your_ house? Gee, it's so glamorously decorated I thought I was in Vegas! Hey, you guys lied to me: you said it was Vegas! Barney: Yeah, well we'll be going. [everyone leaves, murmuring] Homer: Marge, you chased away all my poker buddies! Marge: I didn't mean to. Homer: Oh, you've become such a cop. And not that long ago you were so much more to me: you were a cleaner of pots, a sewer of buttons, an unclogger of hairy clogs. Marge: I'm still all those things, only now I'm cleaning up the city, sewing together the social fabric, and unplugging the clogs of our legal system. Homer: You're cooking what for dinner?

— Marge attempts a parallel structure, "The Springfield Connection"

Marge: [thinking] Everywhere I look, someone is breaking the law. Dog, no leash. Man, littering. Horse, not wearing diaper. Car parked across _three_ handicap spaces...[spoken] Homer! Homer: Hey, Marge. How's my little piglet? Marge: Homer, I'm on duty. Homer: Heh heh, that's OK, I'm supposed to be working too. [chuckles] Marge: You have to move your car. Homer: I'll just be a second, Marge, I'm going to get some beer for those kids over there. [Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney all give the thumbs up] Marge: I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that, but you have to move your car now. Homer: I'll be right back. Now keep your eyes peeled for a real cop.

— Marge, chopped liver, "The Springfield Connection"

Marge: Oh, that's it: I'm going to write you a ticket. Homer: But Marge! We're family. Marge: You're breaking the law. Homer: I'll make you a deal: you rip up that ticket and I'll give you back your hat. [snatches it] Marge: Hey! [Homer taunts her; Marge grabs for it] [a crowd assembles to watch] Homer, taking an officer's cap is an arrestable offense. Homer: Ooh, what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do, huh? [Marge's voice] Ooh, I'm officer Marge, I'm going to arrest you. Wha -- what? [Marge snaps handcuffs on him] Marge, not here. Hey...you're not really arresting me? Marge: You have the right to remain silent. Homer: I choose to waive that right. [screams like a sissy]

— His attorney will be Lionel Hutz, I'm guessing, "The Springfield Connection"

Wiggum: All right, Simpson, you're free to go. Homer: Let me just finish this last lobster tail and raspberry tort. [does so] Lovejoy: [in the next cell] All right, Hans, time to go. Hans: But he ate my last meal. Lovejoy: Well, if that's the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky. Hans: Are you really allowed to execute people in a local jail? Lovejoy: From this point on, no talking. [Hans is led away by two men]

— The Moleman bites the dust, "The Springfield Connection"

Marge: I'm sorry I had to arrest you, Homer, but what I did was right. Some day when you really need it you'll be happy there are dedicated cops like me out there. Homer: I have nothing more to say to you, Marge. I'm drawing a line down the center of the house a la "I Love Lucy". You stay on your side and I'll stay on my side. [sees he's drawn himself into a corner] D'oh!

— Aw, Ricky, "The Springfield Connection"

Homer: Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the police academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie, "Spaceballs". But instead it's been painful and disturbing like that movie "Police Academy". Barney: Hey Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case, and the other case, there's only one case left! [pretending to be the other people in the room] Yeah, yeah! Uh, Barney's right. Yeah, let's drink some more beer. Yeah! Hey, what about some beer? Yeah, Barney's right. Homer: All right, guys, pipe down. I got some more in the garage. Herman: [quickly] Uh, I'll, I'll get it for you, Homer. Homer: Hmm. I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage? Moe: The "garage"? Hey fellas, the "garage"! Well, ooh la di da, Mr. French Man. Homer: Well what do _you_ call it? Moe: A car hole!

— Homer gets his vocabulary built, "The Springfield Connection"

Jericho: You're late, Herman. Herman: Surely you don't mind waiting for merchandise of this quality, Mr. Jericho? Jericho: [checking the contents of the briefcase] Looks like good stuff, but of course, I'll have to sample it first. [trying on a pair of pants] These are fabulous! Herman: Yeah. Who would suspect that they're counterfeit jeans? Jericho: And what better place to make the buy than a cop's garage where no one would suspect a thing? [they all laugh evilly]

— The notorious jean-smuggling ring, "The Springfield Connection"

Homer: Hey Herman, I had to come out here to see what's so funny. [gasps] A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole! I'm going to tell everyone. Wait here. Herman: Not so fast. [levels a gun] Homer: [slows his gait] OK. Herman: Maybe you should just stop entirely. Homer: [stops] Herman, how could you? We've all thought about counterfeiting jeans at one time or another, but what about the victims? Hard-working designers like Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt, or Antoine Bugle Boy. _These_ are the people who saw an overcrowded marketplace and said, "Me too!"

— Homer pleads on the side of capitalism, "The Springfield Connection"

Herman: [ominous] Advance on him, men. Marge: [appearing at the garage door] I don't think that's a very good idea. Crony: Oh no, it's Gloria Vanderbilt out for revenge! Marge: No, it's Officer Simpson of the police. [handcuffs the men; Herman rolls away and points his gun at Marge] Homer: Herman, your beef is with me! Leave the girl out of this. Herman: OK. [grabs him as hostage] Marge: [gasps] Homer! Homer: It's too late for me, Marge! Sell the jeans and live like a queen!

— Last-ditch pleas, "The Springfield Connection"

Homer: Oh, Marge, you saved my life! I'm sorry I teased you. You are a really good cop. I'm proud of you. [they embrace] Herman: So long, gotta catch the 5:01! [uses jeans to slide down a rope] Homer: He's getting away! You blew it, Marge. Marge: I don't think so. [the jeans start to rip] Herman: Oh, foiled by my own shoddy merchandise! [he falls to the ground]

— The best-laid plans, "The Springfield Connection"

Abe: That's _my_ ambulance. I called for it four hours ago. Homer: Marge, how did you know -- Marge: That the pants would rip? Homer: No, what I was wondering was -- Marge: Years of buying pants for two active children and a full-seated husband has given me a sixth sense for shoddy stitching -- which these jeans have in spades. Wiggum: That's some nice work, Simpson, but, um, we can't hold him. There's no evidence. Homer: Yes there is, there's a garage full of counterfeit jeans. Wiggum: Um, they've, uh, mysteriously, er, disappeared. [all the policemen put on new jeans] Looking good, boys. Marge: That's it. There's too much corruption on this force. I quit. [all the policemen laugh for a long time] Wiggum: Ah. Sorry to lose you, Simpson. Lenny: [in the kitchen] I don't think they're coming back. Moe: All right, that does it: I'm looking at his cards. [does so] Aw, crap. I fold.

— The neverending poker game, "The Springfield Connection"

Bart: [gasps] "Wet cement"! Is there any sweeter sign? Well, maybe "High voltage". [skates towards it] [a safe full of jewels falls in front of him; he hops it] Frink: Hello, son. You want to try the flying motorcycle I just invented? Bart: No time. Frink: OK -- [takes off]

— Bart with a mission, "Lemon of Troy"

Bart: This is for the ages. [flash to futuristic city with people crowded around] [the word "Bart" is etched in the concrete] Woman: Like Stonehenge, this site will forever be a mystery. Who was Bart? And how did he manage to write his name in solid cement? Man 1: He must have been much smarter than his sister Lisa -- about whom we know nothing. Man 2: Say, let's bring him back to life by using technology! [shoots a ray; Bart materializes] Bart: Ay, Caramba! [everyone applauds] [Bart pulls out a yoyo and starts using it] Everyone: Ooh! Aah. Man 1: What's normal to him amazes us. Man 2: He will be our new god. Everyone: Yay!

— The world according to Bart, "Lemon of Troy"

Bart: Oh, good: somebody's shadow. I'll just turn and brag about my work. [turns] Aah! Marge: Bart, you've graffito-tagged public property! Bart: It was an accident!

— It was the best of times, "Lemon of Troy"

Marge: I can't believe you vandalized your own hometown, Bart. What would Jebediah Springfield say? Bart: I think he'd be cool with it. Marge: Oh. Homer, will you please help me make a big deal of this? Homer: What for? Nobody cared when Bogart defaced that sidewalk in Hollywood.

— Except Jebediah Hollywood, maybe, "Lemon of Troy"

Marge: Well, I'm just shocked by this whole family. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned town pride? Lisa: It's been going downhill ever since the lake caught fire. Marge: Now just a darn minute. This town is a part of who you are. This [holds one up] is a Springfield Isotopes cap. When you wear it, you're wearing Springfield. When you eat a fish from our river, you're eating Springfield. When you make lemonade from our tree, you're drinking Springfield. Bart: Mom, when you give that lecture, you're boring Springfield. Marge: Bart, you have roots in this town and you ought to show respect for it. This town is a part of us all. A part of us all. A part of us all! Sorry to repeat myself, but it'll help you remember. [later, Bart skateboards] Marge: [in Bart's head] This town is a part of us all. A part of us all. A part of us all! Bart: Wow, that _does_ work.

— Marge Mnemonic, "Lemon of Troy"

Nelson: When it comes to catching trout, nothing beats the German light infantry. Bart: Beautiful, aren't they. [referring to the trout] Nelson: Yup. I'm gonna huck 'em at cars. [tosses one; it splats, tires screech, a crash is heard]

— Ways to get aggression out, "Lemon of Troy"

Bart: Hey, Milhouse! How's the lemonade business? Milhouse: It's clearly booming, Bart. [Lisa holds a glass] Lisa: [to Bart] I don't even want any. I just bought a pity glass. Milhouse: [gasps] We've squozen our whole supply. To the lemon tree!

— Milhouse fail English?, "Lemon of Troy"

Bart: You know, Milhouse, I've been thinking: this town ain't so bad. Good friends, lots of lemons, numerous angel sightings...when you get right down to it, Springfield's a pretty cool place to live. Shelby: Springfield sucks! [a group of kids stands behind the Shelbyville town line] Bart: Hey! Stop talking bad about my town, man. Shelby: Why don't you make me? Bart: I don't make trash, I burn it. Shelby: Then I guess you're a garbage man. Bart: Well, I know _you_ are, but what am I? Shelby: A garbage man. Bart: I know _you_ are, but what am I? Shelby: A garbage man. Bart: I know you are, but what am I? Shelby: A garbage man. Bart: Takes one to know one! [Shelby looks surprised] Database: Checkmate!

— Verbal sparring, "Lemon of Troy"

Milhouse: Hey, kid: stop wearing your backpack over one shoulder. We invented that, copycats. Milhouse2: Uh, you copied us! Milhouse: Step over this line and say that! I'll kick your butt! [quietly] ...at Nintendo. [Shelby tosses a rock over the line] Shelby: I just put a rock in your crummy town. Bart: That's a crud rock. It belongs in Crudtown. [tries to lift it and fails; other kids laugh] Shelby: Look at the weak little baby. You're stupid, you stupid weak baby! C'mon, let's get out of here. Bart: Hey! They're taking our lemons. Milhouse: We can't spare a single one! [the Springfield kids start hurling lemons at the other kids] Shelby: You just got citric acid in my eye! You'll pay for that, Springfield. Abe: [seated nearby] Aw, some things never change. Milhouse: Hey, everybody. An old man's talking!

— Better pipe down and listen, then, "Lemon of Troy"

Abe: Grampa's the name. Did you know this tree dates back to frontier times? Kids: Wow! Frontier times. etc. Abe: Shut up!

— Maybe intimate, but not interactive, "Lemon of Troy"

Abe: It all began when Jebediah Springfield first came to these lands with his partner, Shelbyville Manhattan. [flash to pilgrims approaching a hilltop] Jebediah: People, our search is over! On this site we shall build a new town where we can worship freely, govern justly, and grow vast fields of hemp for making rope and blankets. Shelb.: Yes, _and_ marry our cousins. Jebediah: I was -- what are you talking about, Shelbyville? Why would we want to marry our cousins? Shelb.: Because they're so attractive. I, I thought that was the whole point of this journey. Jebediah: Absolutely not! Shelb.: I tell you, I won't live in a town that robs men of the right to marry their cousins. Jebediah: Well, then, we'll form our own town. Who will come and live a life devoted to chastity, abstinence, and a flavorless mush I call rootmarm? [the people divide between Jebediah and Shelbyville] Abe: The town of Springfield was born on that day, and to mark that sweet moment, our people planted this lemon tree (lemons being the sweetest fruit available at the time).

— From humble beginnings, "Lemon of Troy"

Bart: Those Shelbyville kids think they're so hot, but you know what? They're not. Milhouse: I really agree with you on this one, Bart. Edna: Class, please! If you don't learn roman numerals, you'll never know the date certain motion pictures were copyrighted. Nelson: [bursting in] Everybody come quick! Something's happened. No time to explain. [all the children run out] Edna: No, children, no! Your education is important. Roman numerals, etcetera. Whatever. I tried! [lights a cigarette]

— Edna's best effort, "Lemon of Troy"

Bart: The lemon tree's gone! Martin: And the tracks appear to lead into Shelbyville. Database: Oh look, a clue. A candy bar wrapper. Milhouse: [contemptuous] Oh, they're _always_ eating candy in Shelbyville. They _love_ the sweet taste. Bart: We got to get that tree back. Database: Oh, you mean going to Shelbyville? Heh, we'll never make it out alive. Bart: That lemon tree's a part of our town, and as kids, the backbone of our economy. We'll get it back, or choke their rivers with our dead!

— He meant "their dead", "Lemon of Troy"

Marge: {Where are you going, Bart?} Bart: {Mom, you won't believe this, but something you said the other day really got through to me.} Marge: {[happy] Mmm!} Bart: {And now, I am going to teach some kids a lesson. [slams door]} Marge: {I choose to take that literally.} Bart: {[outside] Death to Shelbyville!} Homer: {Yes, Bart's a tutor now. Tute on, son! Tute on.}

— Parental encouragement, "Lemon of Troy"

Bart: OK, here's how it goes: I'm the leader, Milhouse is my loyal sidekick, Nelson's the tough guy, Martin's the smart guy, and Todd's the quiet religious guy who ends up going crazy. And now, the time has come to cross this line into mystery and danger -- to step out of childhood and become men. [Bart steps over with trepidation] [the other kids follow] [in the background, Lisa and another girl cross the line freely while they fly a kite, giggling and cheering]

— Bart delineates the roles, "Lemon of Troy"

Bart: Remember: if you get lost, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun. Martin: Here's a tip: put a pinch of sage in your boots, and all day long a spicy scent is your reward. [Nelson cuffs him]

— Come home my bonny warrior, "Lemon of Troy"

Milhouse: Oh my gosh! Look: the fire hydrants here are yellow. Nelson: This place is starting to freak me out. Todd: [with a periscope] Danger coming...behind us! [they jump over a wall] [the Shelbyville's kids' dog growls] Milhouse2: What is it, boy? Is there something behind that wall we should beat up? Shelby: No time to check it out now. We've got lemonade to sell. [they walk off] Milhouse2: Huh. Radical. Bart: They're getting rich off us! Milhouse: And the kid with the backpack said "radical". _I_ say "radical". That's my thing that I say! I feel like I'm going to explode here...[shakes violently] [Todd steps back]

— Milhouse's California roots, "Lemon of Troy"

Marge: It's almost lunch time. Do you know where your brother is tutoring? Lisa: Pfft. Tutoring? The only thing Bart's teaching is guerilla combat in Shelbyville. Marge: Well, do you have a number where we can reach him? Lisa: No, Mom, Bart and some kids ran off to wage war on Shelbyville! Marge: [gasps] Homer! Come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!

— As opposed to a gang for peace and love, "Lemon of Troy"

Database: Uh, the trail has become indistinct. I suggest we split up to cover more ground. Bart: Good idea. Milhouse, you and me will be Omega Team. Todd, you and Data are Team Strike Force. Nelson, that leaves you and Martin. Martin: Team Discovery Channel! Nelson: [groaning] Oh...your wussiness better come in handy.

— An unlikely pairing, "Lemon of Troy"

Ned: OK, folks, look: I called the police captain in Shelbyville. He says he hasn't seen our kids, but if they show up in the morgue, he'll fax us. Mr. Van H: Oh, man, I _hate_ those Shelbyville jerks. Mrs. Van H: Honey, _I_ was born in Shelbyville. Mr. Van H: And it tears me up inside! Marge: This is my fault. I tried to teach Bart about town pride, but the power of my words filled him with a sort of madness. Homer: Now, Marge, you can't blame all of Bart's problems on your one little speech. If anything turned him bad, it's that time you let him wear a bathing suit instead of underwear. _And_ let's not forget your little speech! Marge: Isn't there anything we can do? Homer: Yes there is! Come on, everybody, let's go into Shelbyville and get those kids back ourselves. I got an RV we can use: Flanderses! Everyone: Yay! Let's do it. etc. Flanders: Well, OK, but you know, just go a little bit easy on -- Homer: Pile in, everybody. No time to wipe your feet.

— Wouldn't want to waste valuable seconds, "Lemon of Troy"

Martin: OK, piglet, start squealing. Where'd you get the lemons for this lemonade? Boy: Uh...this is Country Time lemonade mix. There's never been anything close to a lemon in it, I swear! Brother: Hey, _nobody_ hassles my little brother. Martin: Hey! And _no one_ manhandles the bosom chum of Nelson Mundt. Spring forth, burly protector, and save me! [long pause; the kids look around] Nelson: Aw, jeez. I never hang out with him, normally. [throws the brother off Martin] Martin: [skipping around Nelson and singing] Hark to the tale of Nelson, and the boy he loved so dear. [Nelson takes a swipe at him but misses] They remained the best of friends For years and years and years.

— And there was much rejoicing, "Lemon of Troy"

Milhouse: What are they saying? Bart: I'm not sure. Milhouse: I thought you said you could read lips. Bart: I assumed I could.

— Bart watches some kids from afar, "Lemon of Troy"

Bart: Hello, there, fellow Shelbyvillians. Martin2: Wait a minute. If you're from Shelbyville, how come we've never seen you at school? Bart: I don't go to school. Nelson2: OK. What's two plus two? Bart: Five. Nelson2: Oh. Story checks out.

— Bart, diabolical, "Lemon of Troy"

Shelby: We just got word there's Springfield kids in town. [all the kids growl] Bart: Curse those handsome devils! Shelby: We're going up to the bluffs to paint "Springfield sucks" in huge letters. That way, whenever they look into Shelbyville, they will realize that they suck. Milhouse2: Ho ho, radical! Milhouse: [on Bart's walkie talkie] Quit copying me! Shelby: You know, I wish there was a Springfield kid right now. I'd fill his mouth with stinkbugs! Bart: No, not in my mouth! ...uh, is what that kid would say. To the bluffs!

— Bart infiltrates the inner cadre, "Lemon of Troy"

Ned: [nervous] Well, a friendly Springfield "Hello" there, neighbors. Uh, you know, we think some kids of ours may be missing in your town. Man 1: Missing children? Man 2: Sounds like Springfield's got a discipline problem. Man 3: Maybe that why we beat them at football nearly half the time, huh? [everyone laughs as Ned drives off]

— The laws of probability, "Lemon of Troy"

Shelby: Quit stalling, kid. Write "Springfield sucks" in giant letters. [Bart groans, starts to do so] His can control is excellent. Milhouse2: Yes. And that wig makes him look a lot like one of the Beatles. [they all gasp: Bart has written "Springfield rules, suckers!"] Bart: That's right: the stranger who walks amongst you is me, Bart Simpson! Kids: Huh? Bart: You know, Bart Simpson? [kids look at each other] Bart: From Springfield? Shelby: He's from Springfield! Get him!

— The jig becomes up, "Lemon of Troy"

Bart: I'll use these spray cans as jet packs and fly to safety. So long, losers! [succeeds only in spraying his feet green] Heh heh heh... Shelby: You're dead... Bart: Uh...hey look! Someone's attractive cousin! [the other kids turn to stare]

— Bart knows his captors, "Lemon of Troy"

Bart: [on walkie talkie] Milhouse! What's seven in roman numerals? Milhouse: I'll tell you, Bart, but you really should end each transmission with the word "over". Over! Milhouse2: [snatching Milhouse's walkie talkie] Correction: the only thing that's over is this transmission. Milhouse: Is this the untimely end of Milhouse? Milhouse2: [pause] But Milhouse is my name! Milhouse: But I thought I was the only one! Milhouse2: [shakes head] A pain I know all too well. Milhouse: So this is what it feels like...when doves cry.

— The boy formerly known as "Milhouse", "Lemon of Troy"

Bart: [into walkie talkie] Milhouse...Milhouse! _Now_ what do I do? [pounding on outside door gets louder] I got it...I got it! [opens door IX; a tiger springs at him; he slams it] I don't got it. Think, Bart. _Where_ have you seen roman numerals before? I know...Rocky V ["vee"]! That was the fifth one. So, Rocky five plus Rocky two equals...Rocky VII! "Adrian's Revenge"!

— Bart reasons his way out of the tiger lair, "Lemon of Troy"

Martin: Aw, a car impound lot: the impenetrable fortress of suburbia! Milhouse: We'll never get the tree back now. Bart: Keep your voices down, boys: we didn't come this far to get found out. Homer: [parting the bushes] Found 'em! You kids are in _big_ trouble, running away from home like this! Bart: But they stole our lemon tree. Homer: I don't care what excuse you've got. _Nothing's_ going to stop me in the middle of this speech. You're gonna -- lemon tree?!

— Nothing except the hallowed lemon tree, "Lemon of Troy"

Homer: That tree's been in Springfield since the time of our forefathers. Give it back or we'll bust in there and take it! Homer2: Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look. Homer: Stupider like a fox! [tries to climb the fence; fails] [panting] I'm OK. [tries again; fails again] Homer2: [chuckles] Don't you get it, Springfield? It's over. You lose! Now if you'll excuse me, all this talk has made me hungry. [bites into a lemon; his face contorts at the bitterness]

— So much for his teeth enamel, "Lemon of Troy"

Homer: This is the darkest day in the history of Springfield. If anybody wants me, I'll be in the shower. Bart: There's got to be a way to get that tree back...hey, look! A hospital. Pull in there! [yanks the wheel] Homer: Aah! Oh, great, now I'm upside down.

— Damn RV showers, "Lemon of Troy"

Homer2: Get out here, son. There's a doin's a-transpiring! Let's shut the gate and seal them in! Bart: Gun it, Flanders! Ned: It won't start. Something's draining the battery. Homer: [using the oven] Sorry.

— We eat first, then escape later, "Lemon of Troy"

Bart: We made it! Everyone: Yay! Homer: Woo hoo! Bart: Eat my shorts, Shelbyville! Bart+Homer: Eat my shorts! Ned: Yes, eat _all_ of our shirts. [Homer2 and Shelby shake their fists at them] Homer2: Ooh, you lousy Springfielders, you -- shake harder, boy!

— That'll learn 'em, "Lemon of Troy"

Abe: And with that, a mighty cheer went up from the heroes of Springfield. They had brought the sacred tree back to its native soil, and though Flanders was stuck with the impound fee, he could easily afford it. Milhouse: More lemonade, Bart? Bart: Absolutely. [Milhouse squeezes a tiny bit of juice in a glass] Milhouse: [pouring sugar in] Say when. Abe: There are over fourteen parts of the lemon which are edible... Abe2: And with that, a mighty cheer went up from the heroes of Shelbyville. They had banished the awful lemon tree forever, because it was haunted. Now let's all celebrate with a cool glass of turnip juice.

— That's why you buy juicers, "Lemon of Troy"

Kent: [on TV] Tonight, we'll visit Springfield's answer to the Benidictine monks: the Rappin' Rabbis. Rabbi: Don't eat pork, not even with a fork. [motions to cooked pig] Can't touch this! Homer: Marge, are we Jewish? Marge: No, Homer. Homer: Woo hoo! [grabs a cooked pig, starts carving at it]

— Religious questioning, "A Star is Burns"

Kent: But first, we all stink! Man: "We all"...hey! Kent: That's according to a national survey ranking Springfield as the least popular city in America. [cut to Skinner tied to a stake on top of a pyre] In science, dead last. Skinner: I'm telling you people, the earth revolves around the sun! Abe: Burn him! [lights the pyre] Shutton: What a story! [takes a photo] Abe: [chasing him] You've stolen my soul! [cut to Krusty playing FDR in a play] Kent: [voiceover] In culture, dead last. Krusty: Eleanor, we've got to do something about this depression. [starts walking toward her] So I propose -- oh, that's right! I'm crippled, heh.

— Not exactly Oscar material, "A Star is Burns"

Lisa: This is terrible! People will start to avoid Springfield. Homer: But what can I do? I'm just...[counts "One" on fingers] one man. Marge: I think we should call a town meeting. If we don't do something soon, we won't get any tourists at all. Bart: {No tourists?! I'll be ruined! [cut to Bart outside next to a sign waving a pamphlet] Maps to movie stars' homes! [repeats same thing in Spanish] [repeats same thing in some Oriental language] [some Japanese tourists take one] [cut to scene with them knocking on a door; Moe, in his underwear, answers it]} Father: {Excuse me, are you Drew Barrymore?} Moe: {What? Get out of here, I'm hung over!} Mother: {Sorry, Miss Barrymore.} Moe: {What?}

— The plight of Springfield's tourists, "A Star is Burns"

Quimby: Are there any suggestions for how to attract more tourism? [Patty and Selma raise their hands] [they stand next to a blackboard with "Springfield" on it] Patty: The easiest way to be popular is to leech off the popularity of others. Selma: So we propose changing our name from "Springfield" to "Seinfeld". [does so on the blackboard] [a bass synth riff a la "Seinfeld" plays] Bart: {I may be just a boy, but I have an idea. If I may, I'd like to show you a few slides. [a slide shows a closeup of someone's butt] Here's Springfield as it appears from space. Somewhere in this windy valley is the Lost Dutchman's Mine.} Quimby: {Young man, that appears to be a picture of your rear end.} Bart: {So long, suckers! [pulls screen cord, gets yanked up with it and wrapped inside it] Aw, this is the last time I use an escape plan devised by Milhouse.} Milhouse: {[wrapped inside other end] Uh, sorry Bart.}

— A town meeting is called, "A Star is Burns"

Marge: I'm Marge Simpson, and I have an idea. Everyone: Aw, no. Marge is going to say something. etc. Marge: Now, I know you haven't liked some of my past suggestions, like switching to the metric system -- Abe: [stammers a little] The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it. Quimby: The old person's remarks will be stricken from the record. Abe: Who said that? Marge: But my new idea's different. I think we should hold a film festival and give out prizes. Wiggum: Can we make our own movies and enter them? Marge: Yes. Wiggum: At last, an excuse to wear makeup! Quimby: All in favor of Marge Simpson's film festival idea? Everyone: Film festival! Film festival! Marge: You like my idea? Actually, I have several others -- Everyone: Don't push your luck! Don't push your luck! Marge: Mmm...

— At last, acceptance by Springfield as a whole!, "A Star is Burns"

Lisa: And...action! Bart: Hello, I'm Bart Simpson. In the past, I've bought you such classic films as "Homer in the Shower" and "Homer on the Toilet". And now, I give you "The Eternal Struggle". [opens a door] Homer: [struggling with his pants] "Relaxed fit", my Aunt Fanny! Stupid Dockers. [grunts] Oh! The belt is buckled. Heh heh... [struggles some more]

— Bart's film festival entry, "A Star is Burns"

Ned: Now, Maude, in our movie you lay Moses in the basket, then put it among the reeds, OK? Lights, camera, ac-diddely-doddely- doodely-action Jackson! [Maude puts the basket in the water] [it gets swept quickly away] Todd: Help meeee...eeee...eeee...[the sound vanishes as Todd passes behind some trees] Ned: Flanders to God, Flanders to God, get off your cloud and save my Todd! [lightning fells a tree across the river, blocking Todd's path] Everyone: Yay! Ned: Thanks, God! God: [making the OK sign through the clouds] Okily dokily!

— The advantage of fundamentalism, "A Star is Burns"

Lisa: Whatcha doing, Mom? Marge: I'm looking for a film critic to judge our festival. Did you know there are over 600 critics on TV and Leonard Maltin is the best looking of them all? Lisa: Ew!

— Lisa's dislike for beards shows through, "A Star is Burns"

Jay: Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman, thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9". Bronson: [in a hospital bed] I wish I was dead. Oy! Jay: But first, we have a special guest: Rainier Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies. Rainier: Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called "McBain: Let's Get Silly". [cut to clip from movie showing McBain with a microphone in front of a brick wall] McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? [pause] That's the joke. Man: [from audience] You suck, McBain! [McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience] McBain: Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls. Man: [from audience] Hey, that really sucked! [McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it at him] Rainier: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million. Jay: [contemptuous] How do you sleep at night? Rainier: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies. Jay: Just asking. Yeesh!

— "A Star is Burns"

Lisa: I like him! He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance -- Homer: [walking by] My ears are burning. Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad. Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip. Marge: Mmm...

— Homer, not a member of the Big Ear Family, "A Star is Burns"

Marge: [writing] "Dear Mr. Sherman, on behalf of the people of Springfield I would like to invite you to judge our film festival. [cut to Jay reading the letter in New York] You can stay with us, and enjoy the sights and sounds of the country. Homer: Marge, is this a pimple or a boil? Marge: Just a minute, Homer! Oh, look what you made me write. Anyway, we think you'll really enjoy our quiet little town. Sincerely, Marge Simpson." Jay: Hmm. Do I _really_ want to leave Manhattan? Rainier: [walking up menacingly] Sherman, I just realized you insulted me! Now you will die. [pulls a machine gun] Jay: Uh, hey nudnick, your shoe's untied. Rainier: From here, they appear to be tied, but I will go in for a closer look. Jay: Taxi! [jumps into one] To the airport. [later that night] Rainier: On closer inspection, these are loafers.

— McBain's reasoning skill, "A Star is Burns"

Marge: Hello, I'm Marge Simpson, and this is my husband, Homer. Jay: Oh, nice to meet you, Marge. I saw your hair from the plane. And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil. Homer: It was a gummi bear.

— An easy mistake to make, "A Star is Burns"

Announcer: Coming up next, "The Flintstones" meet "The Jetsons". Bart: Uh oh. I smell another cheap cartoon crossover. Homer: Bart Simpson, meet Jay Sherman, the critic. Jay: Hello. Bart: Hey, man. I really love your show. I think _all_ kids should watch it! [turns away] Ew, I suddenly feel so dirty.

— The metaphorical filth of "The Critic", "A Star is Burns"

Burns: I don't know what's happening. It seems our profits have dropped 37\%. Smithers: I'm afraid we have a bad image, Sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre. Burns: I ought to club them and eat their bones! Smithers: Heh heh, well, maybe this film festival could help us. A film biography might let them get to know the real you: virtuous, heroic, nubile... Burns: [menacing] You left out pleasant! [clubs Smithers with a newspaper] But I like that film biography idea: a slick Hollywood picture to gloss over my evil rise to power like "Bugsy" or "Working Girl".

— Melanie Griffith: newly notorious?, "A Star is Burns"

Burns: Get me Steven Spielberg! Smithers: He's unavailable. Burns: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent! [later] Listen, Senor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler. Spielbergo: Er, Schindler es bueno, Senor Burns es el diablo. Burns: Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod: we're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammit! Now go out there and win me that festival!

— Burns puts his foot down, "A Star is Burns"

Marge: Homer, the guest should get the last pork chop. Homer: But I'm still hungry! [under the table, Jay's and Homer's stomach growl at each other like dogs] [Homer's frightens Jay's into whimpering] Jay: [taking the pork chop] Thank you! Lisa: Mr. Sherman, I understand you have two Pulitzer prizes. Jay: Well, I, heh heh, it's not like I carry them around with me. Ooh, it's so hot in here! [removes sweater to reveal Pulitzers] Oh, look! Here's my Peoples' Choice award. Five Golden Globes -- [puts legs on table; Globes roll out of pant leg] Hmm...where's my Emmy? [Santa's Little Helper coughs it up] Thank you!

— Jay, never arrogant, "A Star is Burns"

Homer: Oh yeah? [pulls out a trophy] Well _I_ won the belching contest at work. [belches in Jay's face] [everyone laughs] Jay: Very nice, Homer. [belches way longer and louder] [car alarms go off outside] [everyone but Homer applauds] [Bart hands Jay the belching trophy] Lisa: Wow! How many Pulitzer prize winners can do that? Jay: Just me and Eudora Welty.

— Subdivisions in the Pulitzer prize winning elite, "A Star is Burns"

[the doorbell rings] Marge: Oh, I invited my sisters over. Jay: Ooh, sisters. Allow me. [walks off to answer door; screams] Jay: [on the couch] So then _I_ said to Woody Allen, "Well, Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre!" [Patty laughs] Selma: So original. Marge: How droll! Homer: Yeah, well, "Scooby Doo can doo-doo, but Jimmy Carter is smarter." [a bale of detritus blows across the living room]

— There weren't no sound but the whistling breeze..., "A Star is Burns"

Patty: OK, Sherman, you're a movie expert. Selma: So tell us: who's gay? Jay: Oh, I don't know...Harvey Fierstein. Selma: No! Patty: Who else? [Homer whispers to Jay] Jay: Oh. MacGyver's gay. [both sisters growl at Jay, who cowers] [Homer giggles behind the couch] Bart: [laughs] You badmouthed MacGyver, didn't you? Jay: [hanging from the eavestrough in his underwear] Uh...muh uh?

— The meaning of negative reinforcement, "A Star is Burns"

Homer: Whatcha doing, Marge? Marge: Making out the jury list for the film festival. Mayor Quimby, Krusty, Jay [giggles]... Homer: Marge, do you respect my intelligence? Marge: [long pause] Yes. Homer: OK. [turns over] Wait a minute...why did it take you so long to say yes? Marge: [long pause] No reason. Homer: OK. [turns over] Wait a minute...are you humoring me? Marge: [long pause] [resigned] Yes. Homer: OK. [turns over] Wait a minute...that's bad!

— Homer's lightning-fast reasoning ability, "A Star is Burns"

Homer: Look, I know I'm not witty like that critic guy, but does he know _all_ the words to the Oscar Mayer song? Jay: [walking past, singing] Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer weiner, [Bart and Lisa join in] That is what I'd truly like to be. 'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer weiner, [Jay solos out of tune] Everyone would be in love with me! [SLH howls] Homer: That's it, Marge: he knows the whole hot dog song! Go ahead, sleep with him. I'll just take a lock of your hair to remember you by. [snips one from her] It's just me and you now, lock of hair. Marge: You don't have to do this. Homer: Yeah? Well you think I'm stupid! Marge: I don't think you're stupid. Homer: Prove it! Put me on that film jury festival thing. Marge: [resigned] Fine, you're on the jury. [crosses off "Martin Scorsese", writes in "Homer"]

— So close for Scorsese and yet so far, "A Star is Burns"

Smithers: Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you. Burns: Excellent. [Anthony Hopkins is wheeled in restrained a la Hannibal Lecter] Hopkins: Excellent. [hisses] Burns: Next! [William Shatner appears, dressed as Captain Kirk] Shatner: Ex...cel-lent! Burns: Next! Homer: Exactly. Heh, heh...d'oh! Burns: Next! Chespirito: Exellente! Spielbergo: Es muy bueno. Burns: Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

— "A Star is Burns"

Homer: [laughing hysterically] This contest is over! Give that man the $10,000. Jay: This isn't "America's Funniest Home Videos". Homer: But...the ball! His groin! Ah ha! It works on so many levels! [laughs more] Roll it again.

— Hans Moleman hits Homer's funny bone, "A Star is Burns"

Barney: Next, they're going to show _my_ movie. Bart: _You_ made a movie? Barney: _I_ made a movie? No wonder I was on the cover of "Entertainment Weekly".

— Barney's short-term memory, "A Star is Burns"

Woman: It's brilliant: savagely honest, tender...he has the soul of a poet. Barney: You're very kind. Woman: Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die? Barney: It didn't die!

— Methinks the man doth protest too much, "A Star is Burns"

Audience: Boo! Boo! Burns: Smithers...are they booing me? Smithers: Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!" Burns: Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"? Audience: Boo! Boo! Hans: I was saying "Boo-urns"...

— Burns' movie flops, "A Star is Burns"

Marge: All right: it's time to vote for the grand prize. Jay: I vote for Barney Gumbel's sensitive yet unfortunately-titled film, "Pukahontas". Marge: Second. Quimby: Well, I vote for Burns' movie. Krusty: Me too. Now let's get going. I've got a date with Eudora Welty. [a huge burp can be heard] Coming, Eudora! [a miniature camera hidden in an olive whirs] Burns: [watching] Excellent. Bribing those two judges had paid off, just as it did during the Miss Teen America pageant. [holds up newspaper with "Incontinent Old Man Wins Miss Teen America" headline] Jay: How can you vote for Burns' movie? Krusty: Let's just say it moved me...to a bigger house! Oops, I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.

— No one is secure from bribery, "A Star is Burns"

Jay: Two to two. Well, Homer, it all comes down to you. Homer: "Football in the Groin". "Football in the Groin"! Jay: Well, we're not going to resolve this deadlock any time soon. Marge: Why don't we all take a five minute break? It'll clear our heads. Homer: Good idea, Marge: my mind is going a mile a minute. [inside Homer's head, one monkey picks fleas off another]

— Homer, still a primate, "A Star is Burns"

Marge: I knew this would happen. I put you on the jury and you vote for the stupidest film. Homer: I have every right to be on that jury, even though I got there because I'm sleeping with the head of the festival. Jay: How many times have I heard Rex Reed say _that_? Homer: Oh, great, now _you're_ going to make fun of me! Jay: No, Homer, I won't make fun of you. But I will suggest there may be better things in life than seeing a man get hit in the groin with a football. [a football hits Jay in the groin] Nelson: [off-camera] Ha ha! Marge: Well, Homer? Homer: Marge, I've got some serious thinking to do. [inside his head, two monkeys do calculus on a blackboard]

— Homer, still a primate, albeit an advanced one, "A Star is Burns"

Homer: [thinking] Hmm...Barney's movie had heart, but "Football in the Groin" had a football in the groin. Barney: [on the screen] Don't cry for me, I'm already dead. Homer: Wow. I'll never drink another beer. Man: Beer here! Homer: I'll take ten.

— "Never" meaning "right away", "A Star is Burns"

Jay: And now, the winner of the grand prize. [tears open an envelope] Barney Gumbel! Barney: What? Wow! Burns: [shudders] Marge: Homey, you voted for the right movie. I'm glad you were on the jury. [kisses him] Homer: Aw. You know something, Marge? It's not that tough being a film cricket. Barney: [at the podium] I've learned I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, there'll be a new Barnard Gumbel: hardworking, clean, and sober. Quimby: Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your grand prize: a lifetime supply of Duff beer. Barney: Huh? [pulls up sleeve] Just hook it to my veins!

— Even the greatest idol has a few vices, "A Star is Burns"

Lisa: Goodbye, Mr. Sherman. If I ever play Carnegie Hall, I'll give you a call. Jay: And if you ever want to visit _my_ show -- Bart: Nah, we're not going to be doing that. Marge: Well, Jay, I hope you tell your New York friends that people in small towns aren't quite as dumb as they think. Homer: Marge, look! This has spring snakes inside but the suckers will think it's beer nuts. [laughs] Mmm...beer nuts. [opens jar; spring snakes fly out] Aah! D'oh!

— Not _all_ people, that is, "A Star is Burns"

Marge: Well, it was a lovely festival. The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found there are some awards that can't be bought. ["Six months later"] Rainier: And the Oscar goes to... Burns: I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood. Rainier: ...George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football". [everyone applauds; Burns steams] [a screen shows George C. Scott standing there and a football hitting him in the groin] Scott: [doubling over] Aargh! My groin.

— Hollywood's new integrity, "A Star is Burns"

Krusty: Hey, kids! It's story time. [laughs] I'm going to tell you the story of Krusty's expensive new suit: his sexual harassment suit. [laughs painfully] Boy. Anyway, as part of Krusty's plea bargain, he has a new court- ordered sidekick, Ms. No-Means-No. [to her] Whoa! You're hot. Let's get some dinner after the show. [she blows a whistle and holds up a stop sign with "NO" on it] I have dinner with all my employees, right, Sideshow Mel? Mel: We've never spoken outside of work. Krusty: [laughs, then sighs] Oh... Bart: [watching] I'm surprised he doesn't try to blame his problems on his Percodan addiction. Krusty: It wasn't my fault, it was the Percodan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now a word from our new sponsor... Percodan?! Aw, crap!

— Negative endorsements, "'Round Springfield"

Marge: Bart, are you ready for your history test? Bart: Oh, you bet, Mom! Ask me anything. Marge: OK. Who was George Washington Carver? Bart: Um...the guy who chopped up George Washington? Homer: Really? Wow.

— A learning experience for everyone, "'Round Springfield"

Marge: Bart, you said you were going to study. Bart: [clearly in pain] Oh! My stomach. Marge: Mmm, you just don't want to take that test. Bart: No, I mean it: it really hurts. Lisa: Mom, I think he's serious. Homer: Kids are so naive. Lisa, when you get to be our age, you'll learn a few things, like when a sign says "Do not feed the bears," man, you better not feed the bears. Now get to school, boy. [Bart walks off groaning with Lisa]

— Sign, sign, everywhere a sign, "'Round Springfield"

Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, I can't take the test. I have a stomach ache. Edna: Well, that's a lame excuse for an excuse. Hah! Bart: Look, if you ignore me and I die, you'll get in a _lot_ of trouble. Edna: Read page six of the school charter. [hands him one] Bart: "No teacher shall be held accountable if Bart Simpson dies." Edna: We're also absolved if Milhouse gets eaten by the school snake. Milhouse: [inside the snake] Hey, cool! There's a rabbit in here.

— Mmm, absolution, "'Round Springfield"

Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, I'm done failing the test. Can I _please_ go to the nurse? Edna: Gosh, Bart, maybe you really are in pain. Well...it would be cruel not to let you go. [files her nails, hums the national anthem] [hums part of "Stars and Stripes Forever"] Heh heh heh, _now_ you may go. Bart: [walking into nurse's room] Lunch Lady Doris? Why are you here? Doris: Budget cuts. They've even got Groundskeeper Willy teaching French. Willy: "Bonjourrr", you cheese-eating cylinder monkeys!

— The finer points of language, "'Round Springfield"

Bart: Look, my stomach really hurts. Doris: All I can give you are these chewable Prozac for kids. Your choice: Manic Depressive Mouse, or the Bluebird of Unhappiness. Bart: [groaning] Oh...[collapses] Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers, I'd like you to meet our new school nurse, Lunch Lady Doris. Chalmers: Yeah, nice to see you. Seymour, why is that student lying unconscious on the floor? Skinner: Well in many cases, the floor is the best -- ahem. Oh, look, here comes Lumpy, the school snake! [Milhouse, Ralph, and Lewis cry for help from inside it] Oh, Lord...

— No promotions today, "'Round Springfield"

Hibbert: Don't worry, son: you'll be fine. This boy's appendix is inflamed and about to burst, which _will_ make it easier to find once I get in there. [chuckles] Homer: [watching from above] Man, these are primo seats. I could _really_ go for a hot dog. Marge: Homer! This is an operation. Man: Hot dogs, get your hot dogs here! Homer: Woo hoo! Nick: OK, Bart, I will count to three, and you will be sound asleep. One, two, three...out like a light! Hibbert: Scalpel...? Bart: [screaming] Aah! Nick: Whoopsie, heh. Maybe if I fiddle with these knobs. [sniffs] Hey, I smell gas...pleasant gas. [sighs] Night-night gas... [collapses]

— He forgot to say "Hi, everybody!", "'Round Springfield"

Marge: How's my special little guy? Lisa: How're you feeling, big brother? [Maggie sucks on her pacifier] Homer: Aw, this is wonderful: you're alive! Bart: [resentful] No thanks to _you_, Homer. Homer: Why you little...! [strangles Bart for a while] Hibbert: Now Homer, please, the boy's just had a very serious operation. Homer: [sullen] All right.

— Dr. Hibbert, voice of authority, "'Round Springfield"

Hibbert: Bart, I found the culprit: a jagged metal cereal O. Bart: Wicked! [pulls up his gown] I got this cool scar, _and_ I get to miss a week of school! [his assembled classmates ooh and aah] Milhouse: Dr. Hibbert, can I have _my_ appendix out? [the other children clamor in agreement] Hibbert: [chuckles] Why not? Follow me, kids! Nurse, prep these children! [the children follow, chattering eagerly]

— Hippocrates, schmippocrates, "'Round Springfield"

Lisa: Bleeding Gums Murphy! BG: Little Lisa. It's good to see you again. Lisa: It's been a long time... [flashback to 7G06, BG playing on the bridge] BG: My friends call me "Bleeding Gums". Lisa: Ew. How did you get a name like that? BG: Well, let me put it this way: you ever been to the dentist? Lisa: Yep. BG: Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I got enough pain in my life as it is. [back to the present] BG: What are _you_ here for? Lisa: My brother just had his appendix out. BG: Is he going to be OK? Bart: [mooning them] Hello, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doing my rounds, and, uh, I'm a little behind. Lisa: [monotone] He'll be fine...

— Bart bounces backside -- er, back, "'Round Springfield"

BG: Lisa, I sure am glad you dropped by. You're the first visitor I've had. Lisa: What about your family? BG: I don't really have a family. All I had was a little brother who grew up to become a doctor. He used to laugh at the most inappropriate times. Hibbert: [chuckling] Hey, I've got an older brother that I'll never see. He's a jazz musician or some such. Oh well, bye bye. [walks out] Lisa: It must be awful to be all alone in the world. BG: Well, I always had my music. I learned at the feet of Blind Willie Witherspoon. [flash to younger BG in a bar] Willie: I've been playing jazz for thirty years and I just can't make a go of it. I want you to have my saxophone. BG: This isn't a saxophone, it's an umbrella! Willie: So I've been playing a umbrella for thirty years? Why didn't anybody tell me? BG: Heh, we all thought it was funny. [chuckles] Willie: That's not funny.

— Differing senses of humor, "'Round Springfield"

BG: Then I got my big break: I was on Steve Allen's "Tonight Show". [flash to Steve Allen on stage and audience clapping] Allen: Heh heh heh. Now, a brilliant jazz musician who's inspired me to do some improv poetry. [chuckles] Twinkle, twinkle, groovy cat, [BG starts playing] How I wonder where you at. I really love the way you cook, Just like me when I wrote this book. [holds it up] "How to Make Love to Steve Allen", from the author of "Happiness Is a Naked Steve Allen", "Journey to the Center of Steve Allen", and "The Joy of Cooking Steve Allen".

— Jack Paar ain't got nothing on him, "'Round Springfield"

BG: I cut my first and only album, "Sax on the Beach", but then I spent all my money on my $1,500 a day habit. [flashback] I'd like another Fabrege egg, please? Man: Sir, don't you think you've had enough? BG: I'll tell you when I've had enough! [back to the present] Lisa: When was the last time you worked? BG: In '86 when I did I guest shot on the Cosby Show. [flashback] Cosby: Hey, kids! Meet Grampa Murphy. Child: We have three grampas already! Cosby: This one's a great jazz musician. Child: Oh, they _all_ are. Cosby: Oh, oh: you see, the kids, they listen to the rap music which gives them the brain damage. With their hippin', and the hoppin', and the bippin', and the boppin', so they don't know what the jazz...is all about! You see, jazz is like the Jello Pudding Pop -- no, actually, it's more like Kodak film -- no, actually, jazz is like the New Coke: it'll be around forever, heh heh heh.

— New commercial lows, "'Round Springfield"

Lisa: Wow, you've had some career, although the moral seems to be that a lifetime of jazz leaves you sad and lonely. BG: Well, before you came to visit, I would have agreed with you.

— Aw, "'Round Springfield"

Kent: This just in: Krusty the Klown staged a press conference today to defend himself against charges that his products are unsafe, his theme park is a death trap, and that he's marketing videos of Tanya Harding's wedding night. Krusty: And I contend that those tourists were decapitated _before_ they entered the KrustyLand House of Knives[tm]. Next question? Woman: What about that little boy who got appendicitis from eating your cereal? [shot of Bart with Lionel Hutz] Krusty: To prove that this metal O is harmless, I will personally eat one. [takes a mouthful] See? There's nothing -- [starts screaming and writhing] Oh, boy! This thing is shredding my insides. Mel: Er, Krusty, that wasn't the metal one, that was a regular Krusty O. Krusty: It's poison!

— Not much of a vote of confidence, "'Round Springfield"

BG: So, you all set for your recital? Lisa: I sure am! Look: [shows her gums] I stopped brushing my teeth so I can play just like you. BG: Aw. Lisa, honey, music comes from what's in your heart, not what's on your teeth. Come on, let's jam. [he starts to play; Lisa sings] Lisa: Lift me, won't you lift me above the old routine? Make it nice, play it clean, Jazzman! [she plays with him] [people in the hospital hear and start to dance] When the Jazzman's testifyin', a faithless man believes. [a man's heart monitor displays musical notes] He can sing you into paradise, or bring you to your knees. [people dance and snap their fingers] [Hibbert stitches "I (heart) JAZZ" onto a patient's stomach] Jazzman, oh, Jazzman! [they jam some more] [Barney walks out of the Detox center into the Retox center] Barney: Hey Moe, what'll you give me for an A. A. Chip? Moe: Uh, Barney, this is a five minute chip. Ehh, it's worth a Pabst. [draws him one]

— Moe, just making his living, "'Round Springfield"

Skinner: Now I have learned that most of the orchestra is having their appendixes removed, so without further ado, I give you the remnants of the Springfield Elementary School Orchestra: on saxophone, Lisa Simpson, on triangle, Martin Prince, and with a flute up his nose, Ralph Wiggum. [Ralph blows a couple of notes] Wiggum: That's some nice flutin', boy. Skinner: They will be playing "Stars and Stripes Forever", hopefully not forever. [they start playing] Audience: Boo! Abe: It sucks! [Lisa jazzes it up a bit; everyone applauds] [back at the hospital] Lisa: Hey, Bleeding Gums! I was great, and I owe it all to -- [a nurse fixes his bed] [gasp] What happened to Mr. Murphy? Nurse: I'm sorry. He passed away.

— Like sands through an hourglass, "'Round Springfield"

Homer: Lisa, honey, are you going to be OK? Lisa: Bleeding Gums was my hero and I never got to tell him how I felt. Homer: Oh, I'm sure he knew, and I'm sure that wherever he is now, he's happy. Lisa: But he was the only person that had the same love for music that I do. [Maggie gives Lisa a pacifier] Thank you. Oh, Dad, why did he have to die? Homer: Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over. Lisa: Uh huh. Homer: Remember, honey? Lisa: Yeah. Homer: What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman. Lisa: [wailing] Oh, Dad! [weeps] Homer: Oh, I blew it again. [Maggie gives him a pacifier] What? [sucks on it] Mmm...

— Homer, competent parent, "'Round Springfield"

Bart: Hey, Lis, you still upset about that jazz guy? Lisa: [noticing Bart] Oh. Bart: If it helps, I believe that after you die, you come back as whatever you want. I'll be a butterfly. Lisa: How come? Bart: Because, nobody _ever_ suspects the butterfly. [laughs] [flash to a smouldering school] Skinner: [being restrained] I didn't burn down the school. It was the butterfly, I tell you, the butterfly! Wiggum: He's crazy, boys. Get the taser. [a small Bart butterfly holds a gas can and laughs]

— The ultimate reincarnation fantasy, "'Round Springfield"

Lisa: Uh, maybe I need to talk to somebody with a little more age and wisdom. Abe: Death stalks you at every turn! Lisa: Grampa! Abe: Well, it does -- aah! Death! There it is. Death! Lisa: It's only Maggie. Abe: [laughs sheepishly] Oh, yeah. You know, at my age, the mind starts playing tricks. So -- aah! Death! Lisa: That's only the cat. Abe: Oh. Aah! Death! Lisa: That's Maggie again, Grampa. Abe: Oh. Where were we? Death!

— Tricks indeed, "'Round Springfield"

Lisa: How come it won't stop hurting? Marge: Oh, Lisa, it's normal to be sad when a friend dies, and Bleeding Gums was a good friend to you. But nobody is really gone as long as we remember them. Homer: Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo. It preserves the things you love. [pulls up his sleeve] "Starland Vocal Band"?! They suck! Abe: [pointing to the birdbath] Death!

— Here, there, and everywhere, "'Round Springfield"

Lisa: Isn't anybody going to show up? Lovejoy: Well, Lisa, we've waited an hour. [clears his throat, reads] Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to bid farewell to Blood and Guts Murphy. Lisa: No! It was Bleeding Gums Murphy. Lovejoy: Yecch! Anyway, Bloody Gums Murphy was quite the sousaphone player -- Lisa: Saxophone! He was a jazz musician. You didn't know him -- nobody knew him, but he was a great man, and I won't rest until all of Springfield knows the name Bleeding Gums Murphy! Homer: And I won't rest until I've gotten a hot dog. Marge: Homer, this is a cemetery. Man: Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here. Homer: Woo hoo! [buys one] Marge: What do you do, follow my husband around? Man: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

— "'Round Springfield"

Hutz: Good news, Bart: the Krusty O Cereal Corp. has settled your case for $100,000, less, of course, my legal fees. Bart: [suspicious] What kind of legal fees? Hutz: [looking nervous] Well, for a case this complex, I had to assmeble a crack team of lawyers: Ronald Shaporo, trial attorney, Albert Dershman, who can hold three billiard balls in his mouth. Bart: How much of the hundred thou do I get? [Hutz hands him a check] $500?! Hutz: Yes, well, er -- Bart: Cool! Hutz: Let's roll. [they speed off in a white pickup truck]

— With license plate "NOT OJ", "'Round Springfield"

Bart: I can't believe it: five hundred bucks! Oh, just think what I can do with that money. [flash to a casino, with women all around] $500 on red. [the man spins the roulette wheel] Man: The winner is black. [takes all the chips] [back to the present] Bart: Cool!

— He could buy five Radioactive Man #1s, "'Round Springfield"

Lisa: Mom, I want to honor Bleeding Gums' memory but I don't know where to start. Marge: Maybe you could get the local jazz station to do a tribute to him, huh? Homer: Jazz, pfft. They just make it up as they go along. I could do that: dee dee-dee dee dee dee dee, dee dee dee -- Marge: That's "Mary Had a Little Lamb". Homer: OK, then, this: doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo -- Marge: That's the same thing; you just replaced "dee"s with "doo"s. Homer: D'oh!

— So much for his B Sharps talent, "'Round Springfield"

Lisa: Hi, I have a request. I would like you to do a tribute to Bleeding Gums Murphy, please. DJ: Aw, I'd love to, little sister, but we don't have his album. Lisa: What if I could find it? DJ: Well, I'd spin it for you, but you know, ain't no one going to hear it. Our broadcast range is only 23 feet which makes us the most powerful jazz station in the entire US of A. Lisa: Gee, your station has a lot of problems. DJ: Tell me about it: just look at our morning guy. Hans: Hello. This is Moleman in the morning. Good Moleman to you. Today, part four of our series of the agonizing pain in which I live every day...

— He's only 31, "'Round Springfield"

Lisa: $250? But I need that album to honor the memory of Bleeding Gums Murphy. Owner: He's dead? Well why didn't you say so? [changes price to $500] Lisa: [groaning] Ohh...

— Market value, "'Round Springfield"

Bart: Excuse me, my good man, I have $500 to blow. What have you got? Owner: Behold, the ultimate pog! [motions to Steve Allen album] Bart: I'll take it!

— Steve Allen memorabilia, "'Round Springfield"

Bart: Lisa...look what I've got. Ta da! [shows BG album] Lisa: [gasps] Bart, I can't believe it! But why? Bart: When I said my stomach hurt, you were the only one who believed me. Lisa: Oh, thank you. But $500? You'll never see that much money again. Bart: Oh yeah? Take a look at this. [holds up "Krusty O's: Flesh-eating Bacteria in Every Box!"]

— Lucien Bouchard's downfall, "'Round Springfield"

Lisa: That was for you, Bleeding Gums. BG: [appearing in the cloud] You've made an old jazzman happy, Lisa. Mufasa: [appearing in the cloud] You must avenge my death, Kimba -- I mean, Simba. Darth Vader: [appearing in the cloud] Luke, I am your father. James Earl Jones: [appearing in the cloud] This is CNN. BG: Will you guys pipe down? I'm saying goodbye to Lisa! All: We're sorry. [they vanish]

— A last request, "'Round Springfield"

Lisa: I don't want you to go. BG: Sorry, but I have to. Goodbye. Lisa: [sobbing] Goodbye... [BG disappears, then reappears] BG: Oh, what the heck: once more from the top. Lisa: Yay! ["Jazzman" starts again; Lisa sings] When the Jazzman's testifyin', a faithless man believes. He can sing you into paradise, or bring you to your knees.

— The credits roll, "'Round Springfield"

Marge: [sniffling] This romance is so full of heartfelt passion. I can really identify with this corn-fed heroine. [turns to Homer] Homer...Homer, you awake? This is important -- give me some sign you're awake... Homer: [belches] Marge: [annoyed] Wake up! Homer: [slurred] Wha? What's wrong? House run away? Dog's on fire? Marge: Homey, do you think the romance has gone out of our lives? Homer: [belches]

— A definitive answer, "Another Simpsons Clip Show"

Marge: [annoyed] Wake up! Homer: Marge, it's 3:00am and I worked all day! Marge: It's 9:30pm and you spend your whole Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool! [clip from 9F06: Homer pulling hotdog from kiddie pool] Homer, young people learn about love from adults and we've been setting a terrible example for our children and the community in general. I want us to deal with the issues raised by this book. Homer: [takes it] Hmm... [clip from 8F17: book lands on fire] Marge: Hmm...I knew we shouldn't have put a fireplace in the bedroom.

— It's good for snuggling, however, "Another Simpsons Clip Show"

[kids laughs at Itchy and Scratchy] Marge: How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon? Bart: It's a _new_ episode. Lisa: Not exactly...they pieced it together from old shows, but it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth. Bart: Really? Lisa: Ren and Stimpy do it all the time. Marge: Yes they do, and when was the last time you heard anyone talk about Ren and Stimpy?

— Not since the cartoon awards in 9F16, "Another Simpsons Clip Show"

Marge: Children, your father and I have fed and clothed you but we've neglected something more important: it's time to learn about love. Bart: No need, Mom. We already learned in school. [0:38 clip from 8F22: Fuzzy and Fluffy Bunny] Marge: I mean "romance", not "love". Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

— No cynicism here, "Another Simpsons Clip Show"

Marge: All you have to do [to remember romance] is think about your most cherished memories. Bart: Hmm... [flashback to 7G01] Moe: [on the phone] Moe's Tavern. Bart: Hello, is Al there? Moe: Al? Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name, Coholic. Moe: Lemme check. [turns] Phone call for Al...Al Coholic? Moe: Er, Jacques Strap? [7G06] Moe: Is I. P. Freely here? [7G03] Moe: Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? [7F11] Moe: Uh...Homer Sexual? [7F15] Moe: Mike Rotch? [7F22] Moe: Er, Amanda Huggenkiss? [9F06] Moe: Uh, Hugh Jass? [8F08] Moe: Ivana Tinkle? [9F06] Moe: I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and...I like to kiss my own butt. [8F02]

— Yeah, _true_ romance, "Another Simpsons Clip Show"

Marge: Ask your heart what its fondest desire is. Homer: Hmm... [flashback] Homer: Mmm...chocolate. [9F17] Homer: Mmm...invisible cola. [1F03] Homer: Mmm...forbidden donut. [1F04] Homer: {Mmm...sacrilicious. [1F14]} Homer: {Mmm...snouts. [8F17]} Homer: {Mmm...free goo. [1F06]} Homer: {Mmm...something.}

— Don't get too specific, now, "Another Simpsons Clip Show"

Marge: No, think about people. Think about moments in your life that have been very romantic. Homer: Oh, OK. [clip from 1F14: Homer kissing Flanders at football game] Marge: That's not the idea at all...

— "Another Simpsons Clip Show"

Marge: I made the right decision to stay with my Homey, so there was no harm done. Homer: [groans] Marge: So if you kind of mentally snip out the part where I already had a husband, that's my idea of romance. Homer: Marge, I want you to stop seeing the Jacques. You can let him down gently, but over the next couple of months I want you to break it off. Marge: Er, OK, Homer... Homer: Whew! That was a close one, kids.

— Marge, reasonable acquiescer, "Another Simpsons Clip Show"

Homer: OK, Marge: as long as we're traumatizing the kids, _I_ have a scandalous story of my own. [3:27 {2:57 in syndication} clip from 1F07: Homer and Mindy] Bart: What happened to Mindy? Marge: [angry] Yes, what _did_ happen to her? Homer: Ehh, she hit the bottle pretty hard and lost her job. Marge: Hmph. Good.

— Not exactly a gracious reaction, "Another Simpsons Clip Show"

Marge: Does anyone else have a love story? Lisa: Yes, I do. And just like your love stories, it's tragic and filled with hurt feelings and scars that will never heal. [2:31 clip from 9F13: Lisa and Ralph] Marge: Lisa, not all romances turn out that way. Bart, do you have a love story that doesn't end in heartbreak? Bart: Yes, I do. [0:28 clip from 9F06: Bart and Laura] Wait...that _did_ end in heartbreak. Thanks for opening up old wounds, _Mom_. Marge: Hmm.

— "Another Simpsons Clip Show"

Marge: [bright] Well, as Jerry Lee Lewis would say, "There's a whole lotta frownin' going on". [laughs, then says "Mmm..."] Lisa: Mom, doesn't _any_ love story have a happy ending? Marge: Of course! Remember when...uh...your aunt Selma got married? [0:04 flashback to 8F20: Sideshow Bob rubbing Selma's feet] Selma: Ooh, oh, good, mm. Bob: [quietly] Soon I will kill you -- Marge: [in the present] Oh wait, wait, that's no good. I know...your _grandfather_?, remember? [2:15 clip from 1F20: Grampa and Mrs. Bouvier] Lisa: That doesn't seem like a happy ending. That seems more like a detached tale of modern alienation. Marge: I give up. Did anybody learn anything about love tonight? Bart: We learned it screws everybody up. Marge: Well, there's that side of it, but there's also -- oh, help me out here, Lisa. Lisa: Sorry, Mom. I've decided to save my love for someone who's guaranteed not to reject me. [pulls out "Non-Threatening Boys"] Soon, Corey, soon.

— Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: ..., "Another Simpsons Clip Show"

Marge: Well kids, I tried, but maybe you're right. Homer: Wait a minute, Marge. Love isn't hopeless. Maybe I'm no expert on the subject, but there was one time I got it right. [1:32 clip from 7F12: Marge and Artie, then Marge and Homer] Lisa: Aw, your first kiss... Homer: But not the last. [seven clips of Marge and Homer kissing, from 7G10, 7F10, 7F02, 8F10, 8F10, 8F18, 1F08] Marge: Oh, Homey... [they kiss again] You see, kids? That's what I mean by romance. [kids laugh in the other room at Itchy and Scratchy]

— I guess they prefer violence, "Another Simpsons Clip Show"

Marge: Here's your toast, Maggie! I melbafied it myself. [Lisa walks in] Oh, Lisa, honey, I tracked down those old newspapers for your history project. Lisa: Wow, Mom. You didn't have to go to _this_ much trouble. Marge: Oh, it was no trouble. The hobos at the dump were very helpful...except one man seemed to have mental problems. Bart: [walks in] 'Morning. Marge: Bart, it's class photo day. No dracula fangs! Bart: But they told us to wear them. Marge: No they didn't! [pulls them from Bart's mouth] [sees "I'm a stupid baby" taped to Lisa's back] Huh? And don't put signs on your sister. [gives the kids their lunches] Now, keep the lettuce separate until 11:30. That way, the lettuce stays moist and the bread stays dry! Huh? Huh?

— Another Simpson family morning, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Lisa: Mom, you fuss over us _way_ too much. Marge: Enjoy it now, because when you're a grownup you'll have to take care of yourself! Homer: [whining] Marge, there's a spider near my car keys. Marge: You did the right thing by telling me. [walks away] Shoo! Get out of here. Homer: [sighs] Ah, that's better.

— Chain of command, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Homer: Now that we're alone, papa bear has a little honey for his mama bear. [gives Marge a pair of tickets] Marge: [chuckles] [gasps, reads] "Good for a three hour getaway at the Mingled Waters Health Spa...mineral bath, facial, massage --" How did you afford these? Homer: Ho ho, never you mind. [flashback to "Springfield Bentley" store] [Homer sits in a Bentley wearing a monocle with a salesman] Homer: [forced British accent] What advantages does this motor car have over, say, a train -- which I could also afford? Salesman: Well, you'll notice how the heated gas pedal warms you feet while -- [Homer floors it and they speed away] [two seconds later] -- gently massages your buttocks. Well, Count Homer, shall we discuss the -- Homer: No, we sha'n't. [pulls passes from the Salesman's pocket] Yoink! [runs off]

— Monocles a man maketh, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Marge: Homey, this is so sweet, but I can't possibly go now. The sink is full of dirty dishes, the trash needs to be taken out, the living room is a mess -- Homer: Oh, we'll clean up this afternoon. Marge: What about Maggie? Homer: I got my dad to look after her. Abe: [suddenly] Behind you! Marge: [jumps] Yee! Don't _do_ that! Abe: [sputters] Don't do _that_! Homer: Come on, honey: you work yourself _stupid_ for this family. If anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it's you. Marge: Hmm. Uh, all right, but I'm taking something to iron with me in the car -- [gets yanked away]

— Faithful to the last, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Edna: Tighten those braids, Missy...hoist your flag, Dooley... Nelson, you look adorable. Nelson: I feel like punching myself. Edna: Bart, stop scratching. You're messing up your hair. [goes to comb it, sees bugs hopping around in his hair] Aah! Lice?! How on earth does a boy get head lice in _this_ day and age? [flashback to Bart with a monkey on his head] Milhouse: We bought a wicker basket from Pier One, and he was passed out inside! [back to the present] Bart: Hey, how come I get lice and nothing happens to Milhouse? Milhouse: [pale and shivering] So c-cold, so very very cold...

— Nothing but the ol' Ebola virus, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum- Doodily"

Willy: See you in hell, you wingless bloodsuckers. [lots of little screams are heard as the clothes burn] Skinner: What kind of parents would permit such a lapse in scalpal hygiene? Willy: Well, you better check out his sister. She could be rife with them bugs ["boogs"] too!

— The lice become no more, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Girls: Keepaway! Keepaway. Lisa: Hey, come on! Those are prescription shoes. I _need_ them. Girls: [chanting] You have cooties! You have cooties! Lisa: No I don't! Skinner: [over PA] Lisa Simpson, report to the Principal's Office for head-lice inspection. [girls laugh] [a soccer ball nails Lisa in the back of the head] Lisa: Ow! [muffled] My...tongue. Boy: Heads up.

— Off to the Principal's Office she goes, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum- Doodily"

Marge: [blissful] Mmm...this is so relaxing. Homey, this was a wonderful idea. Homer: [chuckles] Yeah. If that mafia guy weren't staring at us, I'd take off my towel. Mafia guy: [off-camera] Oh, don't mind-a me. Look, I do it first. Marge: Huh?

— More information than they needed, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum- Doodily"

Goodman: Whoa, would you look at this place? Agent 2: [speaking into a tape recorder] Sink full of dirty dishes, trash not taken out, living room a mess, stacks of old newspapers -- from twenty years ago! [Abe sleeps in front of the TV with Snowball II on top] Announcer: Get ready, gamblers, for the world series of dog racing! [Snowball II gets scared and runs off] Abe: What the -- [the agents snap some photos] [stammers] Goodman: Hmm. A disheveled and malnourished man found sleeping in his own filth, seems confused and dehydrated. Agent 2: Where's the baby? Abe: Well that's her, ain't it? [Maggie drinks from SLH's water bowl] Kids love that water. Agent 2: [picks Maggie up] Oh my Lord! [Maggie has the "I'm a stupid baby" sign on] Goodman: Stupid babies need the most attention.

— Truisms in child raising, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Agent 2: Children, where are your parents? Lisa: I don't know. They should be here. Goodman: Yes, they _should_ be here. Tsk, tsk. Those parents better have a good excuse. Homer: [walks in] Ah, I love getting away from this dump. Marge: It's like I'm on some wonderful drug. Goodman: Ahem -- Marge: What's going on here? Goodman: Child welfare, ma'am. Agent 2: Here's a little bedtime reading. [hands Marge a paper] Marge: Mmm! "Squalid hellhole"? "Toilet paper hung in improper overhand fashion"? "Dogs mating on dining room table"? [SLH looks guilty and whines]

— As opposed to trying to jump over one another, "Home Sweet Home- Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Marge: What are you doing with my children? Agent 2: We're taking them where you can't get them! Marge: What? No! No -- you can't -- I won't let you -- Agent 2: Mrs. Simpson, restrain yourself, or you'll be arrested! [the kids are shut in a large van] Goodman: Now, just relax, kids. All we're doing is taking you to... [sinister] a foster home! [floors it] [the kids press their faces against the back window] [Marge and Homer watch, distraught] [they pull into the Flanders' house] Todd: Yay! Ned: Heydily-ho! Welcome to your new home, neglecterinos.

— Thanks, Nedoodily, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Goodman: Kids, meet your new foster family. Rod+Todd: We love you! Bart: [getting hugged] Uh...please don't hug me. It sickens me. Maude: I don't judge Homer and Marge. That's for a vengeful God to do. Ned: Mm hmm. All we want to do is give you kids a good home until they get their act together. Lisa: You don't understand. Mom and Dad take good care of us. [one of her teeth falls out] That was a baby tooth. [whistles on the "th"] It was loose! [whistles on the "s"] Agent 2: Don't you worry, little girl. We'll get you some nice county dentures.

— And that's the tooth, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Marge: [reading a sign on their door] "Parents are not to communicate with children, and must stay at least 100 feet away at all times." Homer: We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away? Abe: [walking off] Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch.

— "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

[Rod shows Todd a headline: "Playtime Is Fun"] Todd: [gives thumbs-up] Go with it! Bart: Here you go, Todd: the city edition. [headline: "Extra Extra! Todd Smells"] Rod: Bart, I don't know if this should be an "extra". Todd: Is your source on this reliable?

— The Flanders kids miss the point, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum- Doodily"

Bart: [shudders] I hate this place. Lisa: Yeah. It seems like our house, but everything's got a creepy Pat Boone-ish quality to it. Ned: Hey, kids! Nachos, Flanders style -- that's cucumbers with cottage cheese. [Rod and Todd gleefully take some] [Lisa takes one and sniffs it suspiciously] [Bart eats one, then spits it out] Oh, Bart, I know you're still getting adjusted here. Tell you what: we'll do whatever _you_ want to do. Bart: Watch "Itchy and Scratchy"! Ned: Well, I guess a _little_ television won't hurt. [whispers] I used to let the boys watch "My Three Sons" but it got them all worked up before bedtime.

— "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Rod: Daddy, what's the red stuff coming out of kitty's ears? Ned: Uh, that's, that's just, er, raspberry jam. Todd: Dad, should I poke Rod with a sharp thing like the mouse did? Ned: No, son. No sirree, bob.

— Rod and Todd, meet Itchy and Scratchy, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum- Doodily"

Marge: Can you see them? Homer: I can see Lisa...but it might be a starfish! I gotta call them. [runs, dials a phone] Woman: [recording] The number you have dialed can no longer be reached from this phone, you [splice] negligent [spice] monster. Homer: Oh... Marge: That's it. We're going downtown to get our kids back -- right now!

— Marge makes a plan, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Marge: We've always tried to be good parents. Please! I'm begging you, one mother to another. You must have a family? Judge: No, I don't care for children. Homer: Well, wait a minute! OK, I'm not going to win "Father of the Year". In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world who should have kids. I -- [the judge looks at him sternly] Er, well, er, wait...can I start again? Fathering children is the best part of my day. I'd do _anything_ for Bart and Lisa! Judge: And, er, Margaret? Homer: Who? Lady, you got the wrong file. Marge: [whispering] It's Maggie! Homer: Oh, Maggie. Er, I got nothing against Maggie.

— The true sign of a loving parent, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum- Doodily"

Judge: I can see you sincerely want your children back, but you have a lot to learn about being parents. Before I can return your children, you'll have to complete a course called "Family Skills". It teaches parents to listen to their -- Homer: Communication, gotcha. Judge: But it's important to -- Homer: Listen, yes, I know. Judge: But there's more to it than -- Homer: I have listening skills! Judge: Mr. Simpson, would you please -- Homer: Shut up, Judge!

— Homer lays down the law, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Bart: I never heard Maggie laugh like that before. Lisa: Well, when was the last time Dad gave her that kind of attention? Bart: When she swallowed that quarter, he spent all day with her. Lisa: I thought I could ride this thing out, but everything's just too weird here. Bart: I know. They put honey on pancakes instead of maple syrup. Lisa: They read "Newsweek" instead of nothing. Ned: Come on, you bloomy Guses. Who's up for a big bowl of nonfat ice milk? Rod: I want wintergreen! Maude: Unflavored for me. [Bart and Lisa look at each other]

— Mmm, unflavored nonfat ice milk, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum- Doodily"

Marge: And then I saw my boy in a burlap sack, and they told me he had lice. [sniffs] Flub: [in a burlap sack with lice] Is this story going somewhere? Goodman: All right, Flub, we're all going to get a chance. Mrs. Skinner, why are you here? Mrs. S: The county is threatening to take my Seymour away, d'oh. We had another fight over the inflatable bath pillow. I keep screeching and screeching at him but -- Goodman: All right, very good.

— The end of their antiquing dates, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum- Doodily"

Goodman: Now, who knows how the Skinners could have resolved this problem? [everyone puts their hands up] Without resorting to violence. [all hands but one descend] Or childish name-calling. [the last hand comes down] Anybody? [nope] OK. That's OK, because making a happy home isn't like flipping on a light switch. Cletus: Duh, light switch? Goodman: There are a lot of little tricks to it, things you should have learned a long time ago. Such as, if you leave milk out, it can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a cool wet sack. [much later] And put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can't stress that enough. Don't just throw it out the window. Marge: This is so humiliating. Homer: [writing furiously] "Garbage in garbage can"...hmm, makes sense.

— Homer, note-taker, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Ned: Good night, my little foundlingadings. Bart: But it's only 7:00. Lisa: Yeah, the sun is still out. [she lifts the blinds to show most kids still playing] [Ned pulls them back down] Kids: [sighing] Oh... [Ned and Maude check on Maggie in her playpen] Maude: [singing] They say your folks can't pay the rent, So we're watching you by act of government. Ned: [singing] Well, I don't know if the allegations are true, But you got us, and baby, we got you. Together: Babe, we got you, babe.

— Maude's butt tries to be as high as Cher's, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily- Dum-Doodily"

Lisa: You know, Maggie hasn't been a Simpson as long as us. I think she's beginning to forget Mom and Dad. Bart: Remember how Mom used to microwave our underwear on cold days? Lisa: Or the way used to call the radio station with fake traffic? [they both laugh, then sigh] They're ten feet away, and we can't even talk to them. I wish I could tell them how much I miss them.

— Fish out of water, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Marge: It's so quiet here without the kids. Homer: What I wouldn't give to hear Lisa play another one of her jazzy tunes. [talks into her saxophone to the tune of Beethoven's fifth] Saxama-phone! Saxama-phone! [sighs] Oh. Marge: I miss the way Bart would say something, and then say "dude". Homer: I wish I knew something about the baby I could miss now. Marge: You mean Maggie? Homer: [happy] That's it.

— A baby by any other name, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Goodman: OK, let's see if we've learned anything. I want you two to simulate a typical household problem. Go. Cletus: [on Homer's knee] Uh, Pa, I cut my finger on the screen door again. Homer: Why you cotton-pickin' -- [strangles Cletus] [the class looks critically at Homer] [to himself] No, I gotta pass this class for my kids. [to Cletus] Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'. Cletus: [stricken] I love you, Pa! [weeps] Homer: I love you, Cletus! [weeps] [the class cheers; some shoot guns into the air]

— With a hoedown to celebrate, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Ned: Well, children, it's Saturday night. So, what say we let our hair down and play "Bombardment"? Bart+Lisa: Yay! Ned: Of Bible questions? Rod+Todd: Yay! Ned: Which version shall it be? Todd: St. James! Rod: The Vulgate of St. Jerome! [Ned looks through the Bible bookcase] Ned: "Vulgate" it is. Todd: [disappointed] Aw. Ned: OK, for one gold star, what Persian kind exempted the Levites from taxation? Rod: Artaxerxes! Ned: Righty-o! [licks a star, sticks it on Rod's face]

— Whoop de do, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Ned: Well...? Todd: I know! Ned: No, son, we've got to let Bart and Lisa get one. Come on, this one's easy. Lisa: [pause] We give up. Ned: Well, guess! Book of Revelations, fire-breathing lion's head, tail made out of snakes...who else is it going to be? Bart: [unsure] Jesus? Ned: [yelling] Je...Jes...don't you kids know anything? The Serpent of Rehaboam? [the kids look blank] The Well of Zohassadar? [the kids look blank] The Bridal Feast of Beth Chedruharazzeb? Maude: Wait. That's the kind of thing you should start learning at baptism. Lisa: Um, ahem, actually, you see, ahem, we were never baptised. [Ned groans and faints] Maude: Oh! Neddy? Neddy? [waves smelling salts under him] Neddy! Ned: [wakes up] No, that ain't gonna do it. [faints again]

— How to make Ned faint, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Goodman: I'm very proud of you people. You've learned how to care for your children, you've learned how to maintain your homes, and you've all passed a drug test. Except for Marge -- Marge, you tested positive for Crack and PCP. Marge: Oh my! ["Fifteen minutes later"] Goodman: OK, the retest says you're clean. Sorry about the mistake. Marge: The only thing I'm high on is love...love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little LSD is all I need. Goodman: All right, sounds very good.

— Marge makes drug puns, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Homer: Kids! We're good parents now. Get your asses out here! Marge: We've missed you so much. [they gasp at the "Gone Baptizin'" sign on Flanders' door] He's going to baptize _our_ children? Homer: Oh, no! In the eyes of God they'll be Flanderseseses.

— Homer confuses possessives, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Ned: Until this, I never thought Homer and Marge were bad parents, but now I know you kids need a less hellbound family! Maude: Just sit back, and before you know it, you'll be part of the Flanders flock. Bart: Ha ha, you're going to be Lisa Flanders! Lisa: You're going to be _Bart_ Flanders. Bart: Aah! Maude: Oh, relax, Bart. Your sister Maggie isn't scared. Bart: That's because she can't talk. Maggie: [pulls her pacifier out] Daddily doodily! [she turns her head 180 degrees to face Bart and Lisa]

— Maggie "Linda" Simpson, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Marge: Where are we going? Where are we going? Homer: OK, OK, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders! [thinking] I'm a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day and -- [aloud] The Springfield River!

— "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Ned: Today we write a new page in the Flanders Family Bible! [he leads the kids into the water] Who wants to be the first to enter God's good graces? [Bart and Lisa point to each other]

— You first, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Bart: Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel? Homer: [reverently] Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan. Ned: [gasps] Wait! Homer, what did you just say? Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders! Ned: Oh, fair enough.

— Ned, forgiving Christian, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Marge: So what was it like at the Flanders' house? Homer: Yeah, gimme all the dirt. Lisa: Let's see. Dirt....dirt...well, there wasn't really much dirt. Bart: There was a bunch of old paint cans in the garage, though. Homer: [laughs scoffingly] Old painty-can Ned. [the family laugh too]

— Humorous epithets, "Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily"

Bart: Hymns, here! I got hymns, here. Get 'em while they're holy. Fresh from God's brain to your mouth. Heh heh heh. Lovejoy: And now, please rise for our opening hymn, uh..."In the Garden of Eden," by I. Ron Butterfly. [Mrs. Feesh starts playing] Everyone: In the garden of Eden, honey, Don't you know that I lo-ove yo-ou? In the garden of Eden, baby, Don't you know that I'll always be tru-ue? [Bart chuckles] Homer: [quietly] Hey Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn? [they both chuckle]

— Nothing like sinning to a hymn, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Lovejoy: I know one of you is responsible for this. So repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to Hell where I will eat nought but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola -- [all the kids recite in unison] Ralph: [scared] ...where fiery demons will punch me in the back, Bart: [bored] ...where my soul will be chopped into confetti and be strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers, Milhouse: ...where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds. [a crow outside looks right at him an squawks] Bart did it! That Bart right there! Bart: [angry] Milhouse! Lovejoy: Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [goes back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.

— Lovejoy the inquisitor, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Lovejoy: [holding cleaning brushes] I want you to clean every one of these organ pipes that you have befouled with your popular music. [hands the brushes out, walks off] [Bart and Milhouse start cleaning; a door slams] Bart: You shank! How could you tell on me? Milhouse: Well I don't want hungry birds pecking my soul forever. Bart: Soul? Come on, Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the bogeyman, or Michael Jackson. Milhouse: But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain? [Lovejoy, in his office, works a change sorting machine] Lovejoy: I don't hear scrubbing!

— Only innumerable fiduciary rewards, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Bart: Well, if your soul is real, where is it? Milhouse: [motions to his chest] It's kind of in here. And when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying "God bless you" crams it back in! [gestures up his nose] And when you die, it squirms out and flies away. Bart: Uh huh. What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean? Milhouse: Oh, it can swim. It's even got wheels in case you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery. Bart: [sighs] Oh, how can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid? Listen: you don't have a soul, I don't have a soul, there's no such thing as a soul! Milhouse: [smug] Fine. If you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me? Bart: [pause] How much you got? Milhouse: Five bucks. Bart: Deal. [writes "Bart Simpson's Soul" on a piece of paper] There you go: one soul. Milhouse: [sly] Pleasure doing business with you. Bart: Any time, chum...p.

— The transaction thickens, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Hibbert: All right, where would you kids like to eat tonight? Kid 1: The Spaghetti Laboratory! Kid 2: Face Stuffers! Kid 3: Professor P. J. Cornucopia's Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery! Hibbert: [chuckles] Well, what about this place? [stops the car] "Moe's". [inside, the usual crowd sit around at the bar] [Hibbert opens the door] Barney: Aah! Natural light! Get it off me...get it off me! Hibbert: Oh, I'm sorry: I thought this was a family restaurant. Moe: Oh, it is...it is. Just uh, uh, pull them stools up to the pool table. Kid 2: Daddy, this place smells like tinkle. Hibbert: Mm hmm. I think we'll just go to the Texas Cheesecake Depository.

— Where you'll be served by a guy called Lee, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Moe: Oh, everybody is going to family restaurants these days, tsk. Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more. Carl: You ain't thinking of getting rid of the dank, are you, Moe? Moe: Ehh, maybe I am. Carl: Oh, but Moe: the dank. The dank! Moe: [dreamy] Yeah, family restaurants. That's where the big bucks are. [rubs grime off the mirror] I could turn this joint into a place where you wouldn't be ashamed to bring your family, huh? Homer: I'm not ashamed. [puts Maggie on the bar] [she sucks on a drink umbrella] Moe: Hey, put a coaster under that.

— The genesis of an idea, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Bart: Oh, Lisa! There's a little present for you lying in the driveway! Lisa: [running out] Oh, really? [Bart imagines spraying the dinosaur with the hose] [it grows to an immense size and starts chewing on Lisa] Lisa: Waah! No! It's dripping funny-smelling water all over me. [Bart laughs evilly] [he sprays the dinosaur, which expands a little and goes down the sewer grating]

— Fantasy vs. reality, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Bart: [sighs] I wasted five bucks on these. Lisa: Where'd you get five bucks? I want five bucks. Bart: Aw, I sold my soul to Milhouse? Lisa: [incredulous] What? How could you _do_ that? Your soul is the most valuable part of you. Bart: You believe in that junk? Lisa: Well, whether or not the soul is physically real, Bart, it's the symbol of everything fine inside us. Bart: [tsking sadly] Poor, gullible Lisa. I'll keep my crappy sponges, thanks. Lisa: Bart, your soul is the only part of you that lasts forever. For five dollars, Milhouse could own you for a zillion years! Bart: Well, if you think he got such a good deal, I'll sell you my conscience for $4.50. [Lisa starts to walk off] I'll throw in my sense of decency too. It's a Bart sales event! Everything about me must go!

— Great selection and rock-bottom prices, but where is the soul?, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Bart: Hey, boy. How are you doing? [SLH growls at him] Man, what's gotten into you? [Snowball II hisses and meows at him] Jeez, you're pretty uppity for someone who eats bugs all day. [the cat coughs up a bug]

— The first signs of soullessness, "Bart Sells His Soul"

[Bart runs into the Kwik-E-Mart door] Bart: [face scrunched against the glass] Stupid automatic door! [Rod and Todd walk up; the door opens] Together: Thank you, door! [Bart runs in behind them] [Jimbo blows on the ice cream glass and writes "BITE ME"] Dolph: Hah! Some ice cream guy's going to see that, and it'll blow his mind. Bart: Let me try. [breathes on the glass, but no condensation forms] Jimbo: Way to breathe, no-breath. [Bart runs into the Kwik-E-Mart door on the way out] Bart: This is getting weird. Apu: [into microphone] Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex. Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex.

— Cleanup in aisle four, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Moe: So, come on: I need a name that says friendly, all-American cooking. Homer: How about, "Chairman Moe's Magic Wok"? Barney: I like it! Moe: Mmm, nah. I want something that says people can have a nice relaxing time. Homer: [pounds fist] I got it! "Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker"! Barney: I like it! Moe: Hey! How about, "Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag"? Barney: I hate it. [outside, a truck horn honks] Moe: Oh, boy! The deep fryer's here. Heh heh, I got it used from the navy. You can flash-fry a buffalo in forty seconds. Homer: Forty seconds? But I want it now!

— Brainstorming, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Bart: I know that's funny, but I'm just not laughing. [taps head] Lisa: Hmm. Pablo Neruda said, "Laughter is the language of the soul." Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda. Lisa: I think we should do a test. [puts Bart's skateboard in the middle of the hall] Homer: [walking along singing] Oh, doo doo doo. Oh, I'm just walk -- aah! [slips on the skateboard, gets stuck between the stair railing supports] D'oh! Ow! Ow. [flounders] Lisa: [chuckling] Well? Bart: [worried] Nope. I don't feel a thing! Lisa: That's creepy, Bart. I think you really _did_ lose your soul. Homer: [to SLH] Good boy. [he bites Homer's butt] Ow! Ow! Who's doing that? Lisa: Hmm? Bart: Nothing... Homer: Help me -- ow! Why isn't anybody -- ow!

— The day the music died, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Bart: Hi, is Milhouse home? Mrs. VH: He's playing in the dirt with his army men -- oh, and a white piece of paper, I believe. [Bart gasps, runs to the back of the house] Milhouse: Cover me, Sarge! I'm going after Bart's soul! [makes machine gun noises] [in an accent] If the Ayatollah can't have it, no one can. [drives a tank over the piece of paper] Bart: [stammers] Uh, you know, Milhouse -- Milhouse: [smug] Yeees? Bart: Bet you're getting tired of that soul, huh? Milhouse: Nooo. Bart: Suppose someone wanted to...buy it from you. Milhouse: Oh. You want to buy it back, Bart? Sure, no problem. [merciless] Fifty bucks. Bart: What?! Milhouse: Who's stupid now, huh? [laughs maniacally]

— Takes one to know one?, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Moe: If you like good food, good fun, and a whole lot of...crazy crap on the walls, then come on down to Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag. Announcer: At Moe's, we serve good old-fashioned home cooking deep fried to perfection. [Moe submerges a whole tray covered with food, utensils, etc., in the deep fryer] [he takes the fried tray to a couple, who break off pieces and give him the thumbs-up] Moe: Now that's Moe like it! So bring the whole family. Mom, Dad, kids -- er, no old people. They're not covered by our insurance. It's fun! And remember our guarantee: if I'm not smiling when your check comes, your meal's on me.{ Uncle Moe's!} {[smiles right into the camera]} Singers: {Come to Uncle Moe's for family fun, it's good, good, good, good, good good-good!} Homer: Mmm. Sounds good.

— Moe gets into shameless promotions, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Marge: Hmm. Bart, what's wrong? There's something a little off about your hug. Bart: Mom, I need to tell you something. I kind of -- Marge: [interrupts] Let me guess. A mother can always tell. [hugs him a bit] Hmm. It's not fear of nuclear war. [hugs him more] It's not swim-test anxiety. It almost feels like you're missing something...something important. Bart: [eager] Like I don't have a soul? Marge: [chuckles] Aw, honey, you're not a monster.

— If only she knew, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Marge: [looking at the walls] An alligator with sunglasses? Hah! Now I've seen everything. Moe: Hiya, folks. Welcome to Uncle Moe's. [to the kids] Aw, look at the cute little minors. Homer: Wow, that's Moe -- the guy from the ad! Moe: Right this way, Homer. Homer: [gasps] He knows my name! Marge: Street signs? Indoors? Ha ha, whatever!

— Striking originality, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Ned: Rod, you order anything you want for your big ten-oh. Rod: Million dollar birthday fries! Waiter: [gleeful] Uh oh! [a flashing light and siren go off] Maude: [reading] "Moe gets so excited when you order his million dollar birthday fries, he just has to celebrate. [Moe jumps out with sparklers and fries on his head in a basket] Moe: Here you go! Here I am! Uncle Moe -- thank you, ma'am! This'll be a treat: Uncle Moe! Here I am, while you eat! [leans down; Rod tries a couple of fries] Moe: Please take the fries off my head, kid. The basket is extremely hot.

— The agony of hot cooking oil, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Lisa: How are the southwestern pizza fingers? Moe: They're, um...[reads] "awesomely outrageous". Marge: Oh, these look good: guilt-free steakfish filets. Moe: Nah, nah, let me level with you, Marge: that's just our name for bottom-feeding suction eel. You don't want that. Marge: Oh... Moe: Why don't you try...Moe's hobo chicken chili. I start with the best part -- the neck -- and then I add secret hobo spices. Marge: Ooh. Tres bien. Moe: Yeah. [Ralph squirts Moe with a squirt gun and laughs] Hey, what the hell are you doing, you little freak? [Ralph starts bawling] Moe: [apologetic] Ooh, sorry, kid, sorry. I'm not used to the laughter of children. It cuts through me like a dentist drill. But no, no, that was funny, that was funny taking away my dignity like that, ha ha ha.

— Moe, always appreciative of a good joke, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Lisa: I would like to say grace. Ahem. Lord, have mercy on my soul...and Mom's soul...and Dad's soul...and Maggie's soul...and let every _soul_ in Christendom -- [Bart throws a fry at Lisa] Marge: Bart! Bart: I can't _take_ this any more. I want my soul, and I want it now! [runs out] Homer: Bart, you didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe balls! Homer's brain: Silence, you fool. It can be ours! Homer: [eating] Run, boy! Run! Run for your life, boy!

— Truly, an evil scheme, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Bart: Milhouse...Milhouse! You win. I want this nightmare to end! [a space-suited figure answers the door] Robot: Leave this place. You are in great danger. Bart: [fearful] Where's Milhouse? Robot: The one you call Milhouse is gone. [takes helmet off] Man: He went to his grandma's place while we're spraying for potato bugs. [camera pulls back to show house covered by a tent] Bart: Oh. When Milhouse left, did you notice if he was carrying a piece of paper? Man: Oh, yeah. You don't forget a thing like that.

— An eye for detail, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Moe: [sighs] Here you go! Here I am! Uncle Moe -- thank you, ma'am! This'll be a treat: Uncle Moe! Here I am, while you eat! Sherri: Yay! Now do it for Terri. Moe: What, it's your birthday too? Together: We're twins. Moe: [sighs] Here you go, here I am. Eat your fries, eat them. [puts them on the table and leaves] Kid: Here's you. [gives Moe a drawing] [PH] Moe: [looking at it] Aw, jeez. And you got the stink lines, and everything. [gives Snake his bill] Snake: Ho, dude: you did _not_ smile. We eat for free. Come on, Shoshanna, let's roll. Moe: But I sang you the potato stuffings. Come on! I sang you the potato stuffings. Krusty: Look at the vein on that guy's forehead. He's gonna blow!

— Just like Krakatoa, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Child: Unky Moe? Moe: [trying hard for control] Whaaat...is it, sweetheart? Child: My sodie is too cold. My teef hurt! Moe: [mock sympathy] Oh, your "teef" hurt, huh? Your "teef" hurt? Well that's too freaking bad! You hear me? I'll tell you where you can put your freaking sodie too! [everyone gasps] [Maude covers Todd's ears] Todd: Ow, my freaking ears! Maude: [gasps] Oh, let's go, dear. Ned: Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here! [everyone leaves en masse] Moe: Aw, come on, folks. Wait, please come back! Please, I got a new offer: whenever Uncle Moe threatens you, you get a free steak... fish.

— No one takes the, er, bait, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Wiggum: Son, you wait here while Daddy tries to talk some sense into this raving derelict. [the man raves as Wiggum walks up] Wiggum: [motioning] Slow down, slow down. [the man raves some more, something about "Albert Hitchcock stole every idea I ever had"] {_Who's_ been stealing your thoughts?} {[the man raves some more, something about "The Olde Curiosity Shoppe" and "John Gielgud"]} [Bart opens the squad car door] Bart: Hello, Ralph. Ralph: Aah! Um, hi, Bart. I know you from school. Bart: Yes. A simple proposition, Ralph: how would you like to make a dollar? Ralph: Uh...I don't know. Bart: All you have to do is sign a paper that says I can have your soul. [desperate] I need a soul, Ralph -- any soul. Yours! [Ralph starts bawling] Wiggum: [shining a flashlight] Hey, what's going on over there? [Bart hisses; he runs off into the mist and vanishes]

— A vampire in Springfield, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Moe: Go on, take it all. Get it all out of here. Barney: You know, Moe, you might want to keep the fire extinguishers. Moe: Nah. Too many bad memories. Barney: {Well, look at the bright side, Moe: you still got us.} Moe: {Yeah. Yeah, you know, that -- that actually makes me feel a little better.} Homer: {Why? That was the problem in the first place: you were going broke because we were your only customers. Wasn't that the problem in the first place? That you were going broke? Moe? Moe? Hey, Moe. Oh! You're thinking about all the money you blew, aren't you. [Moe nods] What was it? Fifty, sixty thousand dollars? Moe, look: maybe it would help if you went over all the mistakes you made from the beginning. Moe?} Moe: {[exasperated] What?!} Homer: {Let me get a pen.}

— Kwyjibo brain slowness alert, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Grandma: A caller at this hour? [to Mr. VH] You dial 9-1, then when I say so, dial 1 again. [opens the door] [TM] Bart: [sees Milhouse, sighs with relief] Milhouse, please. Milhouse: Bart, I can't play now. It's 2:00 a.m. Bart: Milhouse, I've _got_ to have my soul back. I'll do anything you want. Milhouse: Uh...well... Mr. VH: Uh, Milhouse, give him back his soul! I've got work tomorrow. Milhouse: I'm really sorry...I kind of traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look! I got some cool pogs: [shows them] Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back...in pog form. Bart: [incredulous] You traded my soul for pogs?! [runs out screaming] Grandma: Close that door! You're letting the heat out. Mr. VH: Shut up, shut up, shut up!

— "Bart Sells His Soul"

Owner: If you are waiting for the Hi & Lois signing, it has been moved to the Springfield Coliseum. Bart: Please, you have something of mine on a little piece of paper. Owner: Oh, so you're Bart Simpson, eh? Well, since my breakfast burrito is congealing rapidly, I will be blunt: you're too late. I sold your soul last night. [Bart looks worried] Yes, yes: I found a buyer right away for _that_ item. Bart: Who? Owner: I am not at liberty to divulge the party, but they were most interested in having possession of Little Boy's soul. [Bart bangs his head] Um, excuse me: no banging your head on the display case, please. It contains a very rare Mary Worth in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide. Thank you. [eats burrito]

— Too bad that friend wasn't Rex Morgan M.D., "Bart Sells His Soul"

Bart: [plaintive] Are you there, God? It's me, Bart Simpson. I know I never paid too much attention in church, but I could really use some of that good stuff now. I'm...afraid. I'm afraid some weirdo's got my soul and I don't know what they're doing to it! I just want it back. Please? [starts to cry] I hope you can hear this. [his soul floats down from above] [he grabs it and hugs it, and sees Lisa standing there] Lisa? _You_ bought this? Lisa: With the change in my piggy bank. Bart: There's no change in your piggy bank. Lisa: Not in any of the ones _you_ know about. Bart: Oh, Lis, thank you. [kisses her] Lisa: Happy to do it. But you know, Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul -- that you have to earn one [Bart eats the piece of paper] through suffering and thought and prayer, like you did last night. Bart: Uh huh. [swallows]

— Word to the wise, "Bart Sells His Soul"

Grampa: [Whiny] Are we there yet? Homer: No. Grampa: Are we there yet? Homer: No. Grampa: Are we there yet? Homer: No. Grampa: Where are we going? Lisa: [Derisively] We're going to Storytown Village, Grampa. It's an amusement park for babies. Grampa: Ooooh. Just leave me in the car with the window open a crack. Homer: That's the plan! Marge: I think it's nice we're doing something Maggie will enjoy for once. Besides, I'm sure Storytown Village is also fun for everyone, from eight [points at Lisa] to ...God only knows. [points at Grampa.]

— X, where X is greater than sixty, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Wolf: Come out, come out, or I'll bloooow your house in. Pigs: Not by the hairs of our chinny chin chin. Bart: What a load of crappy crap crap. Homer: Quiet, boy. I have a feeling some bad stuff is going to go down. Marge: [To Maggie] This is where the wolf blows down the pigs house. Bart: [Sarcastically] He blows all right, he blows big time. Marge: That's it honey, get into the spirit.

— Marge, characteristically, misinterprets slang, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Homer: That was good, but not great.

— Homer reacts to the wolf blowing the pigs' house down, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Father Bear: {Somebody's been sleeping in my bed. } Mother Bear: {[Distorted due to technical problems]} Baby Bear: {Somebody's been sleeping in my bed. } Grampa: {[Looking out from Baby's bed] Welll, I'm sorry but it was 150 degrees in the car.}

— Abe wrecks "Goldilocks", "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Homer: Come on, eat the can! Come on! Marge: You're supposed to feed them pellets from the machine over there.

— Homer tests the appetite of a goat, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Lisa: Ooohh, you are SO cute, yes you are you are I just LOVE you. Marge: [Laughs] See. It was a good idea to come here after all.

— The up-side to everything, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Mother Goose: Attention familes. This is Mother Goose. The following cars have been broken into...

— Thieves work the kiddie park, "Lisa the Vegetarian"